***Taylors POV***
~present tense~
January
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I managed to get myself a small car after the new year. It's little, nothing too fancy but it does have a good heater and music system. Matty helped me to choose it, it's a Volvo and it's apparently very safe.
My stuff is packed and my face is sore with tears, as I stand in the bedroom I have shared with him for years now. Matthew helps me to carry down the bags I have packed to the boot, we're not talking to each other out of pure misery and grief.
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"Matty it's going to be okay." I tell him, I think he's shocked as he stands facing me in the kitchen with a bleak expression on his face.
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"Rhea hasn't messaged me yet" I say picking up my phone and wondering where to go.
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“You can stay here, you don’t have to leave at all. It’s eight o clock at night Taylor. Sleep on it” he whispers.
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He's wrong, I do. I cant be here at the moment. I love him but I can't separate my feelings up. Being here reminds me of the babies. Being here reminds me of us, and I feel like I need to remove myself from us in order to work out what I want from life. I've kissed Jay, I've let him buy me expensive gifts, I told him I love him on New Year's Eve. Granted after several glasses of Prosecco. Leaving is the right thing to do, I don't want to be without Matthew, but I cannot stay here pretending to be his everything when I'm not.
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"Stay with Ross, he's a good friend" he says non-committing watching me starkly as I stand before the fire.
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Having messaged Ross, and receiving an almost immediate reply. I close the space between myself and Matthew. He hasn't come anywhere near me since our slanging match earlier in the kitchen. I yearn for us to be normal, like we were before the miscarriage. I long to be myself again, not the person that lost everything. Including him. Perhaps if I can distance myself from this it will help me to find myself again I think whilst holding onto his waist.
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Lightly placing my hands on his forearms as he melts. I reach up and around his shoulders, seeing all of the tension disperse from his expression as he hugs me around my waist.
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"I love you" he whispers holding me close.
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"I promise you, I can unpack your car now in less than ten minutes and we can go back to who we used to be" he says softly in my ear, stroking my back. Sobbing into his neck he cradles me, kissing my neck slightly and telling me how much he cares for me.
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"I know you will be back, I'll wait for you" he says finally in my ear.
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"I love you" I tell him before pulling myself away from him. The man who I have slept with, the man who has held me for years and kept me safe, the man who cherishes me and listens to my every word. The first person I have connected to as a woman, the man I allowed to place a ring on my fingers. He gazes down into my eyes searching for answers. Watching his emerald green eyes, I kiss his lips slowly and he pulls me closer still.
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"I'll see you soon" I tell him when he lets me break away.
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I remove myself from his perfect life which I shared for some time. Heading for the door trying so hard not to look back. He walks me out and asks me to let him know when I've arrived at Ross’.
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The air is cold as I climb into my new car and start her up, setting up my phone and blasting out the heater, I take a deep breath before putting Ross’ address into the navigation system.
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Reversing off of the drive at the end of the one track lane, I keep Matthew in my field of vision through my internal mirror as I leave him. Standing on his porch, before I turn out of the road and cry. Admonishing myself for getting worked up I tell myself to calm down and concentrate of driving.
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The highway is deserted thankfully as I cruise over it with Carly Simon bizarrely coming on the radio as I concentrate on the song. I hum along tears streaming down my face, as I focus on the dark night sky. Seeing the slip road ahead for Jay’s and imagining turning into it and just appearing at his skyline apartment in tears. Him taking me in his strong arms and carrying me over to his sofa where he would hold me. The slip road goes by and I focus getting into lane to exit the highway for the main town. Ross lives slightly further out and I listen to the navigation system giving me directions.
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After a trip through the small winding lanes where I searched for Ross following his accident. I park up in his driveway and breathe out a sigh of relief, my eyes going over him as he stands in the doorway waiting. Approaching my drivers side as I open the door still crying and he pulls me into a hug. The darkness engulfs us, the lights shut off from the car as he whispers in my ear that I am safe.
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"What needs taking into the house?" He says eyes raking over my shoulder at my empty passenger side.
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Opening up the boot, he eyes the small suitcase and the bags of hair products and clothes, smiling slightly before retrieving all of them out of the car and setting on taking them up the winding stairs in his house. He places them down in the bedroom next to his own. A small fireplace takes pride of place in the room and I notice that he has already got it going before I arrived.
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An oak double bed frame faces it with various cushions and pillows scattered over it, the blind pulled down hiding the moon that glows just outside. Pulling my phone out I send Matthew a message to tell him that I am safe before placing it down on the oak bedside table.
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"I'm so sorry Ross I don't want to impose on your life" I say looking up at him finally.
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"Don't ever say that, I told you I would be there for you in any capacity. I meant it" he says looking over at me before we head back down the wooden staircase to his kitchen.
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“Here” he smiles placing a cup of tea in my hands before rolling up a cigarette, he offers me one but I refuse. It’s not a habit I should be taking up again just because I’m slightly lost in my life.
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We don’t mention anything to do with Matthew, I’m glad that he doesn’t ask as I most likely would cry continually unable to explain anything. Instead we cook dinner together with some music on. He sings along to the songs and I tell him he has a lovely voice, which is entirely the truth even if he does make me chuckle when he sings the female vocals in almost all of the hits that come on.
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After dinner we retire to his living room, the fire blazing before us as he sticks on a film. I sit down with him enjoying just one glass of wine at the end of this horrible day making absolute sure that we're not sitting anywhere near each other because I’m aware of his feelings for me. And more importantly because I don't want to drag him into my mess.
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The film concludes and I have no idea what the plot was only that I spent the time thinking about Matthew in our bed without me. Trying to stem the pain I feel for leaving him. I stand up stretching and Ross looks up at me concerned.
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“I may just shower if thats okay by you” I ask him wiping my eyes.
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"Sure" he says and stands up briskly.
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Following him up the winding staircase, I yearn to be hugged but I refuse to touch him after we’ve both had a glass of wine.
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“Here” he smiles once we have both walked down the long first floor hall to the bathroom.
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“I’m here if you need me” he says softly before retreating to his room as I walk into his bathroom.
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Eyeing the traditional bath tub, and the double counter top sink before stripping off and walking into the walled in shower. It’s takes up the whole side of one of the walls and as I turn it on the water hits me making me feel alive again and less numb.
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Standing sobbing under the stream of water, for a prolonged amount of time. I take a seat on the built in bench and let the water fall over me. Compulsively imagining running to my phone and grabbing my keys, dialling up Matthew and returning to his porch where he would hug me and hold me all night long. I yearn to fall back into the person I used to be, not the woman I have become. Who falls in love with his best friend and sneaks around behind his back.
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"Tay are you okay?" Ross says from outside the bathroom.
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“Mhmm” I manage crying sensing his worry.
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"Please if you want anything I'm here" he says worrying.
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"Okay." I reply turning off the water and placing a towel securely around me before heading over to the door. My eyes puffy still from the crying as I grasp the door handle opening it to see him standing before me. He wraps his arms around my still wet skin and I rest into his chest.
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"You can sleep on my bed I'll take the floor. Sometimes it's better to not be alone" he explains guiding me down the hall. The soft carpet under my feet comforts me, and the warm natural colours that he has chosen for the walls give the large grandeur a more homely feel.
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"It's okay" I say softly before we reach the bedrooms, there are seven in total. I’ve eyed each wooden panelled door individually. They contain similar fireplaces and luxurious comfortable beds. Window seats that look out into the gardens.
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"I'm going to dry my hair and I will be fine" I explain as he waits for me to speak again.
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Removing myself from his embrace, I stumble into my new room and find my hairdryer. Closing the door, I look at the large oak wardrobe and open up my small suitcase, pulling out a nightshirt I place it over me before unpacking my bags. Hanging up a few of my dresses and folding my shirts, placing them neatly on the oak shelf. Before blow drying my hair and making it look presentable, even just to sleep in. The fire crackles behind me and I plug my phone into charge.
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Sitting cross legged in the white duvet, I message Matthew a good night message. He responds instantly and my anxiety eases. Placing the phone back on the nightstand I eye the book placed on the side and smile. Just knowing that Ross picked me a book to read to take my mind off of everything.
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I lay back reading, losing all track of time, occasionally gazing into the fire. Ross pops his head around the door see's the book in my hands and smiles.
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"Oh you're reading" he smirks placing a hot chocolate on the nightstand which I thank him for sitting up slightly. He takes a seat over the covers on the edge of the bed and eyes me as I explain to him my thoughts on pride and prejudice, for the one hundredth time. Yet he still listens adding in his own observations and smiling. We talk about the book for hours finishing our hot chocolates and I realise I'm smiling again and not crying my eyes out.
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"Good night Taylor" he says as I feel my eyes closing. I briefly feel his thumb stroke my hair before I mumble a thank you to him.
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"Anytime" he whispers as I hear the door close behind him.
