***Taylor's POV***
~past tense~
January
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"You don't have to drop me into uni I can drive" I say feeling like I've burdened him enough already, he lounges in a blue jumper over the coffee machine and as I walk in he smiles slightly eyeing my dress and boots.
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"What would be the point of both of us driving to and from the same place" Ross laughs and I relax a little as he hands me a latte.
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"You look wonderful" he complements and I smile over at him.
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"Thanks for lying with me" I whisper into my latte and he melts.
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After our little morning coffee, he leads me out to his car and settles my bag on the back seat. Watching him reverse and head towards the lanes where the bears roam the surrounding forests, I smirk thinking of mine and Jays grizzly encounter last year. My eyes settle on Ross, his blonde hair and tan forearms and I cringe unbelieving that I practically threw myself at him earlier in bed.
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It is no wonder that I am attracted to him, lounging back in his car with his sleeves rolled up as he confidently drives us through the winding roads that used to frighten me. However in the daylight, with the weak sun cascading light over the trees that interlock above us it all looks almost beautiful. My attraction to him shall remain harmless I tell myself, noting that I am in a complicated position right now, which needn't be further troubled by my love for Ross.
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"What are you thinking?" He says quickly glancing at me before bending around the trees elegantly in his Aston Martin.
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"I was thinking, look I'm sorry for trying it on with you this morning. And thanks for you know knocking me back" I say blushing crossing my bare legs over in the car as he quickly look back out of the windshield.
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"Taylor" he begins and I love it when he says my name just like that. My mind wanders to the many written sonnets in his journal that I have secretly snooped in on, and I cannot help but to blush.
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"I've wanted you for a long time, It took all of my efforts to not get with you this morning. But I also know you're hurting right now and getting with you is gonna have to wait, until you're sure and feeling better" he says softly noticing my red cheeks as he cruises the maroon Aston Martin up the final hill that leads out to town.
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"Thanks" I say quietly as he indicates onto the main road and I glance at him questionably.
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"Want a little breakfast before we go?" He smiles over at me and I grin from ear to ear, all of my worries and insecurities melt away. Ross pulls into, a cafe that we have frequented before. We order some pastries to go and a large mocha before we walk back down the tree lined sidewalk. He places his large hand in my own and I look up at his face, a wry smile plays over his lips as he holds onto my hand striding through the streets back to the car. I decide to smile and look away rather than drawing attention to the gesture. We have held hands many times, but now that I am, sort of single, everything feels like it means more.
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The snow has cleared fully leaving the roads much more manageable as we cruise up to university. Soon it will be spring I tell myself where the leaves and plants start shooting up and I will hopefully be happier.
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Parking up at university I notice that we are still relatively early despite our stop off. I see Matthew's 4x4 almost instantly, looking around briefly for him before Ross and I head to psychology together. As we walk, hand in hand, through halls I think about the fact that Matty is only a short walk away and that I could go and get him. I could just turn up in the art studio, imagining him seated by an easel as he paints. I play out the situation in my head with all of its different possible eventualities, me asking him to take me back.
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My favourite one is where he would hug me accidentally smudging paint all over my blue dress as we laugh and giggle kissing each other. My heart tells me that he would take me home, but my paranoia tells me that I have hurt him. And perhaps due to all of the pain and misery that I have caused he has moved on. Deciding that psychology is the better option, I contemplate how my mind and heart are a mess as I walk through the hall holding onto Ross' hand whilst dreaming about running to my ex.
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"Eat" Ross says as we take our seats in the hall, handing me a cinnamon bun I smile down at it and take a few bites as he rests his hand on my knee. The physical contact has levelled up and I'm sure that I need to do something about it sharpish.
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Taking a few more nibbles at the cinnamon bun I look up as Jay arrives, sitting in next to me noticing Ross' hand on my thigh straight away. His clear blue eyes search mine just quickly before he clears his throat and I look away from him.
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Refusing to comment or say a word to me I turn to him and Ross moves to take his laptop out of the rucksack by his feet.
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"Morning Jay" I say cordially unsure of how this situation is going to play out.
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"How are you" I ask not knowing who I'm going to get today; nice Jay or mean Jay.
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"Hey. I'm great yeah" he says resigned looking forwards instead of at me. I look away instantly and decide that this is a new Jay entirely, I'll name him bored of Taylor and her shit Jay.
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The lecture begins, carter introduces us to our second year and I zone out. Continually grasping around my phone waiting for any notifications from Matthew, I shuffle in my seat crossing and uncrossing my legs as Jay watches me concerned. I begin thinking about everything all at once and start to feel like my head is going to explode, wiping my eyes I desert everything and leave. I push past Ross who is looking up at me alarmed as we haven't even finished the lecture as of yet. Half stumbling down the steps, other students glance in my direction and then look away awkwardly.
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Taking in one full breath of air as I finally reach the double doors, I pace down the steps beginning to wish that I had my car so that I could drive away and swiftly exit my life. To cease being Taylor and become somebody else. Her name may be Claire I think wildly, she would be new and exciting and not the mess that I’ve become. A young woman who isn’t named Taylor, a far cry from the girl who loses babies and attempts to sleep with your friends.
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"Hey" Ross says behind me softly and I jump perceptibly, wiping my eyes and trying to get my breath back.
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"You wanna leave ?" He asks me taking in my panicked state and holding onto my hands as Jay arrives behind him and I practically hyperventilate.
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"I can drive us" he suggests.
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"What's wrong?" Jay says behind him interjecting the conversation and instantly placing his hands on the tops of my arms.
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"Nothing honestly" I say.
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"Taylor we can go back home and leave uni today it's all good" Ross says and Jay watches me shocked.
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"Ross it's okay it will be break in a minute I'm just going to go and face it all" I say, meaning Matty. I can tell as I count in my head that he is deciding whether to march me to his car and escort me off of campus.
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"I'm not with Matty anymore" I blurt out mostly to Jay who is looking between the two of us confused. Jay places my jacket around my shoulders, he had carried out my handbag and I smile up at him thanking him. Much to Ross’ disgust, Jay pulls me into a hug and I yield to the feeling of his arms around me as I close my eyes briefly.
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"Sorry" he whispers in my ear as he pulls away slowly watching me.
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“It’s okay” I say feeling the opposite, we walk as a group over to the refectory and I brace myself for the inevitable face off I will have with Matthew when he notices that I’m walking around with his friends.
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Marching myself over to the food, I resolutely do not look over at the sofas. I can feel his eyes on me as Jay pays for my pasta and I object but he’s so heavy handed and determined that I give in.
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I notice that Ross has sat down next to Matthew on the sofas, thankfully as Jay and I sit opposite one another in the last available seats.
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"Party Friday please I can't take being back already" Rach laughs as I tuck in and I smile up at her weakly.
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"Taylor are you coming" she demands finishing of her sub roll.
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"Ugh I" I begin as Jay looks up at me sympathetically.
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"Yes you are" she laughs eyeing me.
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“Okay I’m in” I say placing my fork down and setting the food down on the side as Matthew makes eye contact with me just briefly. I fear that if we end up at a party together we will also end up back in our home together, in our bed.
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Rhea heads to our table, standing in front of me with a look of worry on her face. I had left her several messages and clearly she is concerned. I’m lucky to have a friend look out for me in the way that she does.
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“Can I borrow you for a chat” she smiles eyeing Ross and his closeness to me, the way his arm is draped around the back of the sofa behind me. Boundaries I remind myself, I must set clear boundaries between myself and Ross I think idly before leaving with Rhea.
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Once we're outside Rhea hugs me and I feel like I'm going to cry all over again. She hands me a latte and I smile, I hadn’t even noticed that she had brought drinks with her until I actually focused on her. She guides us over to a small bench and we take a seat together, in the cool sunshine. I wrap my jacket around me and look up at her.
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"Ok Spill" she says eyeing me.
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"So we argued, and I left Matthew. He begged me not too. But it was all the time, and I don't blame him for being paranoid about Jay. But I need time to understand what I want." I explain and it comes out all jumbled.
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"I told Jay that I loved him on New Year's Eve when I was drunk" I blurt out and she looks over at me abashed.
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"Do you?" She asks softly.
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"I want him Rhea. Jay is different with me" I begin and she listens.
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"I hated him and then it all changed. I found myself wanting his attention all the time. And he would casually touch me or look at me in a way that made me feel..." I explain.
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“Unique and special. He has told me he loves me” I add and she nods sipping her latte.
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"Ok then you're doing the right thing." She sums up.
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"How did you leave things" she asks wincing, placing her styrofoam cup down and facing me.
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"I said we needed space and I told him that I needed to decide what I wanted.” I explain and she nods encouraged.
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“Perfect, sorry for the impromptu intervention I only just noticed the messages and marched down here worried you had retreated to your mom’s and being in bed all day” she laughs and I sigh reminiscing on a time that Tom was the biggest problem in my life.
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“Something tells me you will make the right decision" she says softly.
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"And when you're not sure wait until you are sure and then you will feel better about your decision" she explains softly and smiles.
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"Where are you living?" She questions me, pulling her phone out of her velour bag.
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"Ross' spare room" I say and she raises her eyebrows.
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"Is that going okay" she smiles and I smirk swatting her.
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"He's a gent. I propositioned him this morning. He turned me down" I laugh and she gasps.
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“Taylor! Jesus” she smirks and I laugh.
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“It’s Ross” I explain as if that makes all the difference.
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"I just wanted to feel something, now I feel so embarrassed looking at him" I add and she smirks openly.
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"It is Ross. He is hot and in love with you so be careful. Make sure everybody is aware of the deal" she says pointedly.
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"You can always stay with me, goes without saying" she adds smiling. I thank her for the invite but politely decline as she winks at me walking back into the refectory beside me. I watch her walk over to the food stalls as I return to my seat realising that Ross has moved, chatting with Rachel, leaving me to sit next to Matty.
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Resigned to my fate, I sit down next to him and he glances up at me. I glance down at his hands and notice the eternity ring still placed on his wedding finger.
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"Taylor" he whispers leaning into me. His voice making me feel needy and emotional. Ross eyes me concerned and I smile up at him, my protector.
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"Are you hating this time apart thing as much as I am?" He whispers his hand resting over mine.
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"Yes" I say quietly facing him as he gazes into my eyes.
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“I didn’t sleep last night” he tells me and I feel instantly guilty for lying in bed with his best friend.
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"I can take you home" he whispers in my ear pushing my hair away from my shoulders.
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“I can get us home in ten minutes and we can just forget everything” he says softly.
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"Half of your stuff is still at our house it would be so easy" he smiles moving away from me as I look down at the half eaten pot of pasta.
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“Matthew” I protest as he strokes my arm.
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“I need this. I need to be fair to everybody and to work out what I need” I whisper and he smiles.
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“I understand” he says before leaning into me again.
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“I love you” he whispers before we all get ready to leave the refectory, Rachel eyes me as if to ask if I want her to intervene. I shake my head as Matthew rests his hand on my lower back. Walking towards the double doors, with Matthew, set on returning to psychology for another hour of wondering what I should do.
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