Jays POV
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Four weeks is actually a long time, for things to move on and progress in people's lives. I've never noticed it before, time and how it affects me. But now, looking up as Taylor walks into the lecture theatre having been deposited to the very door by Matthew, where he will collect her from in around an hour. I realise that four weeks is enough time for a man like Matthew to cement his way into her world for eternity. To keep her exclusively away from others and to dominate her time and attention.
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She sways her hips up to her seat, slowly and I watch on as she greets Ross holding her hips away from him as she hugs him briefly before taking her seat and placing her bags on the chair that I used to sit on. She doesn't look to me, her eyes no longer wander up to my face. And I haven't seen her bite her lip even once since we used to hang out together at parties. She swishes her hair down her back, and retrieves all of the items out of her handbag that she needs. I watch her every day and I know that she has an order in which she does things; it usually goes phone, tablet notepad and pens. After that she always takes Ross' hand briefly in her own before focusing on the front of the hall and not glancing up at me even once.
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I'm sitting, with Jane, we're at the very back. She looks up at me and then scoffs following my eye-line, to Taylor. Really this is the only time I get to watch Taylor now, from afar in a lecture hall. She does not frequent any parties anymore and I no longer gatecrash her dance practice in the studios by the gym.
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There's a few elements that set off the distance in our little relationship, I've analysed it all enough times to work it out by now. Firstly was me walking in on her having sex with Matthew, that was a big problem. A major setback of her trust in me. Ironically I did not plan any of it, and unlike me I did try not to look. Taylor is however a magnet for my eyes, when she moves my eyes follow her. I notice as she stretches her arm out and plays with her hair and I wonder about her. Wonder what it could possibly take to exorcise her feelings for me.
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"Wanna get lunch together" Jane asks pulling me away from my thoughts. Jane has happily been taking a lot of my time up, staying at my place and enjoying the continuous wine and champagne. Jane is average looking, there's just no other way of putting it. She takes and I give continually, that is the only way our farce of a relationship works.
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"Sure" I say and she smiles happily. I lean back and put my arm around her shoulder. Jane relaxes and I think about this morning while we were having sex in my bed. She called out my name and I shut my mouth as I nearly called out for Taylor. I glance at her from the back of the lecture hall and wonder if she ever still dreams about me, I want her at every moment when I'm not with her. I want her when I sleep, and when I wake up. It intrigues me that holding Taylor all night long in a hospital bed is one of the most romantic things I've ever experienced with a girl, it was intimate. And more than any other I cared for her. I cared for her emotionally in a way I have never felt before.
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And in all honesty right now I'm also pretty angry with her too, why did she have to enter my life? To be placed in front of me as a continuous taunt that I will never be enough for a woman like her. That my own stupidity and past stops me from achieving the type of relationship I desire now. Why does she have to be such an exception to all of my boundaries, to my self control.
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My hope is that later on whilst we are finally hanging out again, at my place, much to Ross' derision. I will be able to begin repairing the lost connection we have, yes we will be working on the group assignment. And true it is that Jane will be there too yet still I must connect with her again even if I do shove my relationship with Jane in her face.
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Jane is like Rach all over again, but worse. As I gaze down at her sitting next to me loyally I know deep down that this girl likes me. She eyes me, and I wonder again, whether she could ever take me away from my preoccupation with Taylor entirely. Jane wants to be around me all of the time, she practically lives at my flat and I tolerate her. The problem is that whenever I lose myself, whenever I get carried away I think about Taylor. I think about holding her in the shower, making cocktails with her and kissing her neck. Every morning I wake up wishing I could open my eyes and that she would be underneath me. I know I've got to stop, I've got to move on from it. It's actually getting me down, Taylor doesn't see me in that way, she doesn't like me.
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I watch Taylor as she packs up her things, shrugs on her Barbour jacket and stands facing Ross. Another hour has flown by and I haven't listened to Carter one bit, I'm seriously going to have to flunk this test, I can't concentrate without thinking about how she's in the same room as me. And yet I still can't touch her. Her hips and her smooth skin, I want to kiss it all. Women like Taylor are more dangerous than I ever could be, she is out of this world beautiful and she clearly treats Matthew exceptionally, giving in to his every desire and it's no wonder he lets her get away with so much.
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Listening to Ross, she glances up at me just quickly and my mind just so consumed by her. He takes her hand securely in his own and walks her up us. Tonight I'm going to have to try to focus on Jane, I will touch her and kiss her and be all over her. I need to send a bit of a message. Show her that I've got a girlfriend and that even though I would love her too, she cannot just come waltzing back into my life.
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"What times good for you guys later" Ross says as she tucks herself into his side, hiding.
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"Anytime man" I tell him pulling my keys out of my pocket and my iPhone.
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"Oh my mom's popping by later, just briefly" I say looking through my messages. My mom noticed a change in my behaviour, she's probably been to another hippy dippy clairvoyant and wants to snoop in on my life.
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"But anytime you guys wanna come over is all good" I say looking up from my phone making eye contact with Taylor as she watches me from behind Ross.
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"Perfect well I finish English at around five" Ross looks down at her.
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“I’ll meet you in the parking lot” she says softly and he nods rubbing her hand with his thumb, I see that he is still clearly stand in boyfriend number two and almost scoff but I reserve my attitude.
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“Oh we could watch that new show too” Jane says and Taylor eyes her dismissively.
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“Want us to bring anything apart from notes” Taylor says and I smile down at her.
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“I’ve got food, I cook for myself now” I laugh and she giggles. Jane looks between us as if she’s missing something, I never used to cook before I knew Taylor.
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“There’s wine too” Jane adds and I want to close her mouth.
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“Okay cool” Ross laughs putting his arm around Taylor’s shoulder.
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“We’ll see you later then” he says as he walks Taylor down the auditorium steps and out of the door, away from me.
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