Taylor's POV
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It's not possible I think to myself as I feel the heat on my cheeks, the pain in my lower belly.
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"It's okay" I tell myself aloud, clinging onto the crisp white sheets that are stained with blood. My blood I think to myself, this is not okay I cry.
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"Matthew" I call out.
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"It's not okay" I repeat continuously gazing around at my surroundings and not recognising the white clinical walls, the steel medical tray sitting on the side. A curtain with little blue and grey dots on it surrounding the bed I'm laying in.
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"Please" I cry hearing nothing in return.
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***
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Unsurprisingly Matthew awakes me with concern shadowing his face, curls tousled down over his forehead as he wipes my eyes. I cling onto him and he holds me close in bed, gazing down at the pale blue sheets I sigh breathing in slowly.
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"You were calling out for me and crying" he whispers kissing my lips.
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"A horrible nightmare" I say shaking my head as he rubs down my back.
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"I'm here" he whispers and I look up at him smiling, relief washes over me as it dawns on me that I'm not in a hospital suite with blood all over me.
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"I love you and our little baby" I tell him clinging onto him, losing is not an option now. The grief and the sadness of my dream looms over me as he strokes my face with his fingertips.
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"We do not have to go in today, my love. Rest day ? Watching your favourite movies I'll even cook us another roast" he smiles.
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"Rest day" I smile up at him, he sold the idea to me perfectly. Matthew explains that he's going to cook me breakfast as I slide out of the bed noticing that my legs feel heavy. The pregnancy has raised my body temperature and today I feel hot. Unusually warm, I scoop my curls up and tie them away from my neck.
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My body convulses as I stand and double over in pain. Images of blood run through my mind, telling me to panic. I call out for Matthew and he is at my side, instantly. Grasping onto my waist, we walk over to the bathroom through the hall. The pain searing as I hold onto my waist bent over his arms around me.
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"Matthew" I cry as he holds onto me, reassuring me and holding me up. Removing my shirt and the underwear I'm wearing with no hesitation I feel bump and the pain surrounding my belly, before I notice gazing down through my legs at the blood. My blood, staining the tops of my thighs.
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I kneel down moving my clothes out of my way and sob. This is not just spotting I think clearly as I burn up on the bathroom floor. Why? I think to myself in despair, what have I done wrong now? Cursing and crying as I realise that I have lost two babies, two babies that would grow into my beautiful children. Two miracles that would call me mom and Matthew daddy. Two babies that would be our twins, our lives shatter before me. All of our dreams, and the future we were creating together.
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"It's okay I'm here" he whispers his hands around me pulling me into his lap.
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"I love you" he comforts me kissing my neck and the side of my face. Of one thing that I am positive, Matthew is in turmoil too but he is managing his emotions, he is being strong for me. We are both aware exactly of what this means.
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Pulling me to face him, he cradles my face in his hands and I watch his eyes through my blurry vision.
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"Taylor" he says softly.
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"I did something? How did I fuck it up?" I whisper.
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"I lost both" I say and he shh's me caressing my back and holding onto me.
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"No you did absolutely everything right, you are blameless" he whispers and I sob into his chest.
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"I'm sorry Matty, I lost our baby." I say into his chest.
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"Taylor this is not your fault" he whispers.
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"Come on, come with me." Matthew reassures me standing me up and steadying me. Grasping onto my middle I flinch as he runs the water and checking the temperature he dampens a towel to wipe me down with. Before retrieving three pads from the bathroom cupboard I gingerly walk with his aid back into our room.
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Matthew retrieves my clothes from the wardrobe and drawers, pulling a pair of panties up my legs as I thank him through sobs whilst the pain intensifies. He sits me down on the side of the bed and pulls a pair of leggings on for me delicately placing them over my hips.
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"I'm sorry I ruined everything" I sob and he pauses as I look at his dark lashes and green eyes. Imagining the children that we would have brought into this world.
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"You ruined nothing, I love you entirely and we will get through this together" he explains softly kissing my lips and holding onto my jaw. Placing a pale blue button up shirt over my shoulders he pulls a pair of jeans on and a jumper before he guides me possessively down the staircase. Holding onto my hips and waist to keep me steady, I clutch onto his hands feeling the pain through each step I take.
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Once he has finally settled me into the car, I sit back and breathe deeply in and out going through every single possible reason for this to happen to me. Mentally beating myself up for working hard at university; throwing myself into dance and not getting enough rest. Telling myself that it's karma for all of my countless interactions with Jay Gilbert Scott. That I deserve this pain, this comeuppance that was bound to be dished up to me. That bad things happen to women like me, that bearing Matthew's children was a gift and a miracle which I did not deserve.
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Matthew holds my hand the entire journey whilst he drives us to the clinic. Parking up he helps me out of the car, I huddle into him as he guides me into the building. Out of the cold we approach the reception and concern clouds the small woman's face as she takes in my discomfort and pain.
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Within five minutes we are seated in a doctor's office with a midwife and a doctor who are both listening to Matthew who took over the talking when he realised that I could not form words. I stare forward holding onto my waist and holding back tears. This is the end. The doctor eyes me and asks a few questions all of which I do not hear. They pass over my ears as I listen to my inner monologue, trying to decipher when I possibly could have lost this baby. Another baby lost in a matter of a week, taken forever.
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"We had twins" I say to him, the doctor has black hair I notice with flecks of grey which stand out in contrast to the silver tones. Deep set crinkle lines around his eyes. An older man with experience. A huge amount of grief settles onto my shoulders as Matthew takes over the conversation for me again explaining how we suffered vanishing twin syndrome.
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"Bleeding" I say randomly as Matthew looks up at me worried, it's like I'm a few steps behind in the conversation, the doctor had asked me what my symptoms are and my brain has just caught up. I answer his questions, yet he looks at me with worry and talks to me in a consoling tone which tells me that he thinks I've gone into shock.
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"Pain in my tummy." I add and Matty squeezes my hand. The doctor nods empathetically before guiding me over to a bed on the far side of the room. I clamber on with the help of Matthew, wincing as I lift my legs over the side.
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The nurse checks everything as she places the jelly on my belly I sob remembering the first time we experienced seeing our two babies. The scan pictures we took home to our mothers. The nurse eyes the monitor and confirms that we have experienced a miscarriage. I watch on as my womb is shown to me bereft of any babies. Feeling numb and empty, Matty holds onto my hand and I just cry.
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The doctor, with his cropped salt and pepper hair, gazes at me and explains that miscarriage is something that can just unfortunately happen before 23 weeks gestation and that there is nothing I could have done to prevent it or to cause it even. I sit back down in the cushioned chair feeling small and useless as they prescribe me a pill that should allow the residual tissue to pass.
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"You can try again for another baby, if you wish in around a month's time" the doctor explains softly looking up at Matthew and myself briefly before typing up some notes.
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"But please make sure you rest, eat and give yourself some time to feel better, this is not an easy thing to go through. Please be easy on yourself mentally and physically." He explains.
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"I am greatly sorry for your loss" he finishes before booking me in for a checkup in a few days time.
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Matthew guides me through to the hospital reception and by this point I just want out. Away from the place that looks like my nightmares. The pale grey walls that now feel claustrophobic and the other women walking around with their bumps that I'm sure are not bereft of babies, but instead full and carrying their partners future.
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"Matty I think I need a cigarette" I finally say to him as we sit back down in the car looking out at the bleak parking lot.
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Matthew pulls a packet of cigarettes out from under the dash and proceeds to light two up. I inhale the smoke as we sit in the car with the windows down, wordlessly staring into space and praying that this is another nightmare. That I will wake up at any minute and will no longer be sitting in his car. That I will instead be in bed with him, minus the blood and happily pregnant.
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"Babe this is not your fault, it's just something that can happen" he reassures me softly holding onto my thigh.
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"It must be something. I refuse to believe we lost both. Two babies. Maybe we should get a second opinion" I say in utter delusion.
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"I can't do this" I say matter of factly and he looks at me alarmed as I cry.
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"I can't be the person that lost everything, that lost your babies. I'm so sorry Matthew" I mutter crying inhaling on the cigarette.
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"No Taylor you are everything to me." He says with ardour holding onto me, he inhales his cigarette but I can't look at him. I failed him. My biggest failure in my life.
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Turing to face me, he places his hands on either side of my face. Looking deep into my eyes and assessing me, seeing the hysteria and the panic.
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"Taylor I can one hundred percent tell you this is nothing you have done. Nothing." he says and he kisses me.
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"I kissed him" I tell him and he blanches as he pulls away from me.
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"It's because I kissed him." I say shaking my head.
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"It's because I kissed him, it's because I let him touch me. I got high and I drank alcohol before we even knew we were expecting. And Jay kissed me. It all starts from there like a stupid butterfly effect" I rant and he watches me.
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"No Taylor, we had no idea we were pregnant then." He whispers, a tear falling from his eyes.
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"I stood up for him and Jane shoved me. Winded me because I cared about how he felt, and then we lost one of our babies shortly after that" I add almost hysterically, throwing the cigarette out of the window and just staring at him.
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"And then he called me, after that time and I let him" I say closing my mouth as he eyes me just quickly; confusion flitting across his face before he replaces his expression with care and devotion.
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"It's my fault" I say looking into my lap as he sighs before rubbing my thigh again.
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"Okay Taylor, I love you. I need you to know just how much, because I will not lose you. So what, Jay kissed you after you were literally drugged on laced weed. It has nothing to do with our babies. Okay? Nothing, there is nothing that you have done to cause this to happen to us. We were unfortunate and we are going to, together, take our time and heal" he says softly before decisively starting the car and driving. Conversation closed.
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"I love you Matthew" I whisper to him as he drives carefully looking out of the windshield with a vacant expression on his face.
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"I love you so much and I'm so sorry" I say through sobs and he rubs my thighs. His body losing all tension and relaxing.
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"I love you now let me take care of you" he says softly and I nod resting my hand in his.
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Pulling off of the highway he drives into a small parking lot surrounded by shops, carefully parking he takes a deep breath and I stare at my engagement ring. He kills the engine and I look up at him.
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"Would you like to come with me or stay in the car" he asks nodding towards the drug store. Holding the prescription in his hands, I think of all the clerks that will see the medication and will knowingly look at me. Consoling looks on their faces at the girl that needs a pill to flush out her womb.
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"Please can I stay here" I say quietly and he smiles.
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"Of course, I'll be right back" he whispers stroking my hair before he leaves. I watch him stroll across the parking lot, with the weight and grief of our loss on his shoulders. It's a testament to his character that he is able to function and hold everything together at a time when he is feeling the loss just as much as I am. And where I am a blathering mess, he is my calm in the storm.
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Within ten minutes he returns with a small paper bag, I take the pill instantly, refusing to dwell on it. My mind repels the idea and I almost choke it back up, spluttering in the car as he rubs my back. Refusing to want any of my baby flushed out of my body. And feeling a strong urge to keep as much of the baby still inside of me as possible. Praying that somehow, he or she will start growing again.
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Once I've successfully swallowed the medication I eye the leaflet before folding it up and placing it down into my handbag to be forgotten about. Matthew hands me a large bar of chocolate and a fizzy drink? He proceeds to open his own drink before resting it in the cup holder.
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"You know chocolate will taste great right now" he smiles down at me and starts up the car.
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"I also got pain meds" he explains as I look through the paper bag and pop two in my mouth instantly for the swirling pain deep in my tummy. A mix of the despair and the inevitable pain of losing the baby.
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Matthew pulls away and I look out at the snow as we pass by the Christmas stores and the lights twinkling in their windows. Imagining that by Christmas I would have been showing, that Matthew’s mother would have fussed over me and the growing bump. I feel a fresh wave of emotion go through me.
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"I love you so much, I don't know what I would do if you weren't so supportive and there for me all the time" I say over to him as he drives and I munch on a piece of chocolate.
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"I love you, it’s my role to be supportive. I’ve emailed university that we’ve had a bereavement in the family so there is no rush to go back if you do not feel like it” he says softly and I nod just knowing that I will want to be busy tomorrow rather than laying around thinking about it all.
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Time becomes irrelevant as we spend the day in each others arms on the sofa under a big blanket. He hugs me through my tears. The only indication that time has passed, is when the daylight filtering through the window finally turns dark. Matthew strokes my hair and kisses me before he goes off to cook dinner.
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Once he has cooked a pizza he returns and slips in the blanket next to me and hugs me. He encourages me to eat whilst I take some more pain medication.
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"Do you think it was a girl or boy" I ask him as I eat a few slices of the mushroom pizza he has made. He clears his throat before answering, looking down at me and hesitating.
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"I think we can decide that. As a way of letting go and managing it" Matthew explains, as he forks up some potato salad and spoons it onto a plate for me alongside another slice of pizza.
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"I think it was a boy. He would have had your hair and my eyes" I say softly having taken the plate from him and placing it down on the side,I hug him and we cry for a short while in each others embrace.
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"I would have loved him so so much" I murmur holding onto him.
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"Me too I will always love him" he says holding me close.
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Eventually we manage to eat without crying and I decide to switch my phone on for the first time today. Taking bites of the now cold pizza I glance down at my phone and see a few messages pop up from both Jay and Ross. Of course it is not usual for us both to be off of university and they’re most likely just checking in.
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Tay, I missed you today hope you’re well? I’ll see you soon. R xx
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Typing a reply to Ross I decide that I will definitely be heading into university tomorrow, it will give me a chance to focus on something and to not sit and dwell on the misgivings of my womb. Should I sit here I will most probably beat myself up all day long, listening to my inner monologue telling myself that I am a useless and now childless waste of space.
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Taylor, cannot believe you left me with the big blonde bear. Hope you’re okay, I have taken some notes down for you. Please if you can, give me a heads up that you’re okay and that I don’t need to drive over there and hug you all better. Jay xx
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Glancing over his message again, I can see the worry and concern but not only that also his attempts to make me smile and laugh. Wiping my eyes I type out a reply.
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Jay, you and Ross are practically brothers don’t pretend you don’t like one another. I’m actually going to be fine, thanks for asking and checking up on me. Tay xx
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After that I decisively head to the bathroom for a long shower, washing away the entire day from my body I stand and let the water massage my back. Just minutes later Matthew joins me.
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"Thank you for being you. For being with me all day long and showing me so much love and care" I say to him holding him under the stream of water.
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"Babe I love you, I wouldn't dream of doing anything different you are my world" he whispers.
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"We can get through this together" he says looking down at me smiling. Holding onto him, I see the pain lingering in his eyes as he watches me. I see the loss, the inevitable misery and above all else the care. For the first time today I see how he feels and I hold him, stroking his back and kissing him softly as he clings onto me.
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