Taylor's POV
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🎧Margaret - Lana del rey
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We didn't make it out of bed for almost five days, every morning came by after the day before and I couldn't even tell you what day it was, only that I had lost so much and didn't feel like associating myself with the world any longer.
Refusing university altogether, I took some time to just be with Matthew. He suggested I tell my mother, and originally I snapped at him before apologising and realising that it was entirely what I needed, it gave me a reason to get up out of my pyjamas. Dress myself and my now normal body into some cargos and a top. To pull my hair into a braid and venture out into the outdoors. My mother had held me on our sofa as Matthew watched on, her hands hugging my head into her as I cried. We didn't even speak all that much instead she hugged me and fed me before Matthew collected me up and took me back home.
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Matthew broke the news to his mother, she cried and I felt terrible. Like I had robbed their entire family of our happy ending. And through it all he was just there, helping me and supporting me. Making sure that I had eaten and that I woke up in the mornings. I still find myself clutching onto my now flat stomach weeks on as I wake up hazily remembering that I am no longer a pregnant fiancée.
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This morning marks the official countdown to Christmas. The weather is bright and clear, all be it snowy. I sigh pulling on a slim fitted black leotard which fits off of my shoulders exposing my neck. Matthew swoops in and kisses down my neck making me giggle as he grasps onto my hips before I pull a skirt on over my tights and leg warmers.
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We've only just returned to university after our extended time off, we told the others that I suffered a bereavement in my family. Jay Gilbert Scott visited us the second week of my disappearance from life. He turned up with a bottle of Italian red wine, a bunch of Lilly's and a card that was signed in his scrawl. Although he did not truly know the extent of mine and Matthew's loss, his gesture and the forethought that he put into it made me feel seen. It made me feel validated for feeling like life had ended.
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I held him in my doorway and I can imagine he was taken aback by the way I clutched onto him crying. He gave me an excuse to cook again, I welcomed the opportunity to place a roast chicken in the oven and all of the trimmings. His presence allowed Matthew to talk about something other than the babies and me, he laughed again for the first time at Jays stories and I sat watching them both, the way they both sipped brandy and got along so well.
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"Oh I forgot study plans tonight" I tell Matthew as we pull up at university. Myself and Ross are planning a session at Jays we have finals soon and we wanted to group together to share knowledge.
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"Got it" he smiles.
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"I'm setting up my exhibit later" he smiles pulling his leather jacket around him and smiling. Matthew has an art exhibit which he has been working on for months. It's all top secret and I can't wait to walk around in a dress looking at his work, sipping champagne.
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"Oh good luck, I love you" I tell him.
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"I love you too" he whispers before we leave the car and head off to get on with our day.
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Arriving at the dance department I see Jay from afar in the gym as I stride into the main hall, he's concentrating on lifting something heavy and I sigh at how my mind and heart can no longer label him as a monster. Realising that we're staging the performances today. I gaze over at the many racks lining the sides of the performance hall. All constaining garments and stage props, I glance over my own personal rack and take in the red burlesque number. A deep maroon with heavy beading and sequins. It is seductive, I only hope I will be pinned into it.
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The black swan costume however, consisting of a black sheer beaded leotard with thin straps will expose my shoulders and arms. Teamed with a black sequin tutu and black satin pointe shoes. I gasp just eyeing it on its hanger, snapping a picture to send to my mother. It's the costume of dreams, a costume that I've waited for years to be dressed in. Pulling my skirt off I change inconspicuously into the tutu and leotard, intending on breaking in the pointe shoes.
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We stage the performance, the lights I find highlight all of the sequins sending luminous rays of light across the hall. The other dancers retire to the changing rooms, but I tell myself that the star of a show does not clock off early. With the lights still on and the music on loop I practice. Over and over again, eventually closing my eyes so that I can remember the movements better.
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"I am astounded" Jay says silkily as I look up opening my eyes. I smile and blush coming down from pointe.
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"You are spoiling the surprise of the show" I laugh and he chuckles approaching me. Dressed in a crisp white shirt and Levi's he stands before me.
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"That was incredible" he whispers.
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"Thank you, it's a bit of a lifetime wish for me to play the black swan" I explain and he nods.
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"Hence the black outfit, I always thought ballerinas wore pink" he smirks.
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"Yes but not the black swan" I explain and he watches me, pausing slightly before assessing the situation.
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"I have to tell you I've missed you" he whispers.
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"You have ?" I whisper back, tucking just one strand of his glorious blonde hair behind his ear.
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"Mhmm" he smiles.
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"How are you Taylor?" He asks softly and I smile up at him.
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"I am getting there Mr southern" I smile and he chuckles.
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"Studying tonight yeah, I bought some supplies" he smiles walking with me over to the props rack.
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"Like" I say to him waiting for him to turn around whilst I change. He doesn't of course and I sigh slightly. Pulling the tutu off delicately and placing it on the hanger with my name on.
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"Food, snacks, wine and fucking post it notes" he says hoarsely as I turn around and remove my leotard. Standing with my back to him, I feel his fingertip go up my spine just once.
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"What snacks" I laugh nervously.
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"You're magnificent" he says breathlessly.
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"Jay" I whisper softly as his fingertip goes over my bra strap just once, pulling my black training leotard back on before I slip my skirt over it.
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"That was very unfair" he whispers as I turn around.
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"You've seen me naked" I tell him and he scoffs.
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"Nice bra" he counters and I look up into his eyes.
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"Just what I expected" he says softly.
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"Lace and black" I ask and he smiles tucking my hair behind my ear.
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"A body of perfection" he says softly holding my jaw lightly in his hands.
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"Hungry ?" I ask him and he grins cheekily.
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"Is that you finally expressing that you want me to eat you" he asks and I laugh.
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"Pasta" I explain and he smirks, for a brief second he almost leans in to kiss me on the cheek. An expression of shock flits over his face before he walks with me out of the hall.
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I notice Rhea instantly as I enter the refectory with Gilbert Scott, her head turns to me and I notice her shock as she eyes Jay, eyes widening before he explains that he will be getting me lunch. He encourages me to go to my best friend and I put one foot in front of the other all the way over to her.
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An all encompassing hug from your best friend is helpful when you have been through it. She holds onto me, before admiring me from arms length. Her eyes flick up to Jay who is currently purchasing two pasta pots from the counter.
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"Catch up needed" she smirks and I shake my head laughing.
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Matthew catches my eye from the door as he strolls over to us with Rachel and Brad. Rhea watches the encounter and smiles.
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"Oh Taylor major catch up needed" she says before he kisses me.
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"Missed you" he whispers before we sit down on the sofas, Rhea facing us with a panini. Rachel greets me in her normal elaborate way, talking far too much as Ross slides in next to me.
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"When's the show Tay?" Rhea asks, she's been busy with assignments and Malachi. I appreciate her look, and comment on how she looks great in her heeled boots and jeans.
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"Next week" I reply nervously and she smiles.
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"Okay, myself and Malachi will be there." She says smiling as I inform everybody that there will be wine. Jay bends to give me a pot of pasta and the entire table practically stops what they're doing. Jay has never been caring even with his girlfriends. Matthew stiffens and I nod to Jay as he pulls up a seat greeting Rhea.
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"Yeah Tay we will be too" Rach says meaning her and Brad, she smiles over at me and I appreciate her support.
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I give Matty a kiss and then leave telling him that I need to set up a few things before rehearsals. He pulls me into an embrace before he lets me go. I pace over the fluffy snow up to the open field which I've walked now so many times in order to get to dance or the gym. Glancing up at the clear sky and watching as the snow flutters down, I embrace the quiet. Reflecting on how far I've come since that horrific day, the morning I found out I had lost both of our babies. How I've gone from thinking about it and letting it consume me all day and all night long, to taking short walks in order to manage the moments where a memory may creep into my mind and cause me to remember my bump. Or to remember the dreams I had of our children, their brunette hair and green eyes. A boy and a girl I've decided, we had named them Harper and Austin.
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"I'm beginning to think we only get to see each other when one of us walks off." A male voice says behind me and I slow my pace wiping my eyes.
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"Hey" I say turning to face him as he takes in my solemn expression.
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"Hey" he says softly, an expression that makes me feel absolutely disarmed and emotional. I sob again walking over to him and throwing my arms around him.
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"Shhh" he whispers, and to my surprise he wraps his arms around me. Jay doesn't ask me what's wrong, he doesn't barrage me with questions. He just allows me to cry into his chest.
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"It's like I don't know how much I can say to you whilst everybody else is around" he says once my sobs have subsided.
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"Things that will make you feel better" he explains and I cling onto his chenille jumper that he's placed over his white shirt wondering how he is not cold in just a shirt and a jumper.
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"You don't have to say anything, Jay" I tell him.
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"What you don't want me to say things ? Things like I've missed you for almost four weeks, like you look absolutely beautiful, like how is it I think about you all the time." He whispers.
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"Yeah those things you really shouldn't say" I tell him softly as he strokes away my tears.
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"Why" he says brushing my cheek.
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"Because I'll start to believe you" I say softly before taking his hand and walking with him.Totally worried that he may kiss me or I may kiss him should I stand there in front of him.
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"You should not be feeling that way about me at all" I say glancing up at him quickly and away again.
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"I do Taylor, I can't just switch off from it, believe me I've tried that" he says.
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"I'm so angry with myself for it, you think I've ever felt this way before? And it had to be with somebody that is engaged to my best friend. Okay and sneaking around and finding you in places alone is my aim not because I want to try it on. But because I just want to be close to you" he tells me.
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We cross the wooden gate which marks the end of the field and I feel him pull me into his chest. His arms going around my lower waist as he simply holds me in front of the dance block. Inhaling his cologne and resting my heat on his chest I sigh. Before I get myself into more trouble I pull away from him brushing my lips to his cheek. It seems like a very familiar gesture; something a woman would do to the man she loves before he leaves her. He looks down at me shocked his hands clasping my forearms.
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"I'll see you later" I say to him, before we actually kiss.
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"No wait, Taylor" he says pulling me back into him.
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Facing him in the snow; I look over his features and how his eyes now seem kind to me rather than mean and cruel. He strokes my hair back and I shiver from his touch. His thumb grazes my lips and I part them slightly, kissing just the top of his finger.
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"I'll give you a ride to mine after dance" he whispers after staring at me for a prolonged amount of time.
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"See you then" I whisper as he lets me go and I walk over to the doors, greeted by a rush of warm air. I don't look back at him, should I look at him again I will betray everything I know. Being honest and sincere with myself regarding my feelings for Jay worries me intensely as I change into my maroon outfit. Clipping the sequin bra on and the matching skirt I decide that thinking about him for the next hour is not an option.
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As a group we stage the burlesque number and the lighting technician makes sure the lighting is spot on. The dance is sexy, there's no doubt about it and with the low golden lighting we create a performance that is sure to get hearts racing.
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Towards the end of our rehearsal he appears at the back of the hall, this time my eyes are open and I watch as Jay leans on the side with his arms crossed over his chest. Watching me, I can feel his stare continually throughout the whole entire performance. What used to make me uncomfortable however now just makes me feel wanted and desirable.
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"I'm just changing and then I'll be ready" I tell him at the end and he nods smiling at me as other girls try desperately to catch his eye. Deciding that the changing rooms is the better option than taking a sequin bra off in front of him I walk him through to reception before I slip into the changing rooms opposite instantly hearing chatter from the other girls about the hot blonde Viking outside. I roll my eyes and take my costume off.
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"So tall, and muscular and hot" one girl says behind my back as I comb out my hair and set on putting some makeup on in the mirrors.
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"Who is he Tay ?" Emily laughs standing next to me in the mirror. She brushes her red hair down to her shoulders and applies a red lipstick to her normally pink lips.
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"Just my friend from psychology, his name is Jay" I tell her and she smirks.
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"Ohhh nice name too" she smiles over at me through our reflections in the mirror.
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"Seriously feel free to try it with him he's pretty good with girls" I say eyeing her in the mirror.
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Pulling my handbag over my shoulder I send her out slightly before me and she approaches him. I walk just behind her in my louboutins and wait for him to work his charm over her. Problem solved, no more love triangle.
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"Hey Jay" she says and as he looks at her alarmed I realise it's not a good start. I stand just behind her and his eyes settle on me.
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"Hey" he says smiling and I chuckle.
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"Emily, Jay" I introduce them, flicking my hair and watching his eyes rake over my neck and shoulders.
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"Jay do you like redheads" she asks and I almost collapse into laughter. He eyes her again and smirks.
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"Jay likes all girls" I interject and he scoffs. I return his stare with a sweet smile before she turns to leave.
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"Number?" She asks him before she goes.
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"No you don't even know me, why would you possibly need it" he asks reaching his hand to my own and clasping it in his own. Emily huffs and then turns on her heel to leave us.
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"You just don't know? Do you?" I say laughing as we walk hand in hand out towards the Audi.
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"No I know she was hitting on me but I'm not easy, anymore" he chuckles his thumb rubbing my hand in his own.
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"Ross says he'll catch us up" I tell him softly as he opens the car up and I take a seat next to him. The car roars to life and the lights flick on at the front illuminating the rest of the parking lot. Jay reverses watching the car cameras before we drive off together.
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"Her name is Emily" I say looking over at him as he joins the highway.
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"She was eyeing you up throughout the rehearsal" I add smiling.
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"She's completely not my type. She's really pushy." he laughs.
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"Ah why not she's cute" I smirk as he pulls into a local food store before we go back to his.
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"I'm not into her, I'm into you. Now shh and let's go and buy dinner" he says hopping out of the car and walking around to my side. He opens my door and grabs my hand the second he has locked the car back up. Guiding me with him into the store and talking to me about a "mystery girl" that he's into. He details my brunette hair and beautiful personality as he describes me and I chuckle. We peruse the meats and I decide to make a curry.
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"Rather beef or chicken ?" I ask him turning to look at him.
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"Mmm I get to choose" he laughs and it's infectious.
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"Which one, Jay" I ask giggling.
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"Beef, every time" he says pulling me into his arms and chuckling. Gilbert Scott is the most affectionate guy I have encountered and truly I never imagined that would be the case. As we're waiting to pay he puts his arm around my back and rests his chin in my neck. The logical thing to do would be to push him off, he is aware of my engagement and we are only going to end up hurting each other if we continue this love triangle.
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Once we're seated back in the car I can't help but notice that as he drives he watches me now and then.
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"What are you thinking, I can literally hear your thoughts" I say.
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"Tell me what you think I'm thinking" he laughs and I chuckle.
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"You know what I mean, something annoying most likely" I tease him as he rests his hand on my thigh.
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"I was thinking about you in my kitchen..." he says slowly.
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"Cooking obviously" he adds smirking.
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"You're really funny" I say sourly and he laughs.
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He parks up and opens my door for me as we walk over to the foyer and he pushes the button for his apartment.
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"Can I kiss you yet" he says next to me when the doors close.
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"No Jay you cannot" I laugh as he stands opposite me, one hand holding onto my hip.
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"But you kissed me on the cheek earlier! Can I at least do that." He asks.
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"That's different" I say to him smiling.
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"That's a double standard" he laughs moving into me. Planting a soft kiss on my cheek before slowly moving away from me.
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"I was trying to comfort you earlier, you seemed stressed" I say when he is safely away from my lips.
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"It's was very comforting thank you" he says smirking. I notice that he holds onto my lower back as I walk into the skyline apartment, and if anybody didn't know us I'm sure that they would think we were together.
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