***Taylors POV***
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It is weird going to uni without Ross. I almost feel worried about class, I know that's silly but he's usually always there, with me.
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Matty deliberately has taken us to uni so that we arrive just in time rather than early presumably because he didn't want me sitting around thinking about anything and getting upset. I've got dance after psychology so I'm going to walk there alone without Ross and then go the the gym finally.
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Before I leave Matty embraces me and kisses me passionately. He's going to meet me outside dance later. I walk towards class alone, It's snowing still. Today I've got my black leotard on and a cropped maroon jumper and skirt. I briefly think about taking Ross to the gym once he's feeling lots better. It might just help him with his mobility.
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I clock Jay waiting outside the lecture hall. He's watching me. I didn't think he would actually meet me. I thought that he would forget. He's got Rach with him, she is smiling at him about something and he is just watching me walk. Odd. I don't get him and never will.
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I go up to them.
"Hey" I say. I smile at Rach then I head towards the door.
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"Hey Tay, you okay?" Rach asks.
No I think. Ross is not here and you are and I can barely sit in a car, passenger or not, without feeling like I can't breathe.
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"Fine. Talk later hun" I say.
Jay walks in after kissing her. I notice. For a prolonged amount of time I must add, tongues and everything. He stays close to me and I can feel his his body heat behind me. We go to our seats and I let him sit down first.
"I'll just print two of everything or I'll email him my notes" I say more for myself than for Jay.
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I glance over at him and he smiles at me nicely. I smile back and turn away from him. He's wearing a simple grey jumper which brings out the grey/blue of his eyes and jeans. He leans back in his seat, he's the epitome of chilled. I pull off my cropped jumper and relax. Or I try to relax, so much but my hand is literally shaking.
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"Are you sure you're okay" Jay asks softly in my ear. His voice sounds different, nice even. He places his hand on my shaking one. And for once I don't flinch away from him.
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"I'm fine" I whisper back.
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"Sure we can step out for a minute if you want" he says in my ear.
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"The lecturers know about it all" he reminds me.
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I nod. Not sure that I can speak at the moment.
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Once outside I lean against the wall and just breathe. I just focus on that one thing, breathing. Not Ross laying in the road. Not the way his lips were blue and cold. I focus on the way his chest was rising and falling making me feel reassured and okay. His heart beat under my hand. The way he smiled in the hospital bed, very much alive and well. This could have been a disaster I tell myself but instead I made sure he was okay.
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I glance up at Jay who is looking at me alarmed.
"It's okay, I'm all good" I tell him chuckling.
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"What's going on Taylor?" He asks softly.
"I thought you were going to faint or some shit" he says clearly stressed out.
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"I just keep having some minor flashbacks that's all. Of Ross I mean" I say.
"But once he's better that will go and I will be fine" I say decidedly.
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"What do you mean flashbacks? Like seeing the whole thing again?" He asks and looks at me reassuring.
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"I just see him on the road and when I lift his visor he is all blue and cold. His eyes are closed and I can't wake him. And I keep replaying that moment, the moment I thought he was dead. And it's not pleasant. Not one bit. And then I can't seem to catch my breath" I say not looking at him. I will not cry in front of Jay.
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I shiver, and close my eyes. Lord I want to be at home. I think this was all too soon. Matty did suggest that we stay off again, take it easy at home he said then we can go and visit Ross later. I should have done just that.
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I feel Jays hand go to my forehead.
"You're really cold" he says I keep my eyes closed I know he's close to me and I don't wanna see him.
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"I just left my jumper.." I begin
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I open my eyes and he's taking his jumper off he has a polo underneath. He looks gorgeous I think madly before I can stop myself. He passes me the jumper and I put it on over myself. It's like a dress on me and I smile.
He lingers in front of me looking at me very seriously.
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"Why are you so maddeningly beautiful?" He says and I squirm.
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"I'm not." I say and I shiver again.
"You are with Rach" I say reminding him.
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"Come here" he says to me and for some reason the directness makes me do just that.
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His jumper on me smells like cologne. He puts his arms around me. My head rests inside his neck. He moves his hands up and down my arms making me warm and I chuckle.
"Thanks Jay, I think I'm warm enough now" I say.
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He looks at me staring into my eyes. He's so close to me. What is happening, why is he being so nice?
"Anytime" he says not breaking my eye contact. He lingers slightly searching my eyes. This guy is predatory, he is assessing the situation. He seems to be deliberating what to do. I briefly wonder how I get myself into these situations with guys. How is it I always end up in their arms?
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He then moves back clearing his throat and my body wants his warmth. I ignore it. I keep his jumper on and I walk towards the door.
"Tay I'm always here if you need me, just to chat or whatever" he says shyly.
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I turn around to face him. He's closer than I realised and now I've managed to get myself stuck between him and a wall. Typical.
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"I appreciate that" I say.
He places one hand on the wall next to me. The other in his pocket.
"You can talk to me about stuff too Jay if you need too" I advise him.
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"I can listen, I don't talk. I don't talk through any of my problems. I just act upon them" he chuckles. He's watching my lips, I'm biting them again. He makes me uncomfortable.
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"Maybe that's your whole problem babe" I tell him and smirk.
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"Ohh we're going there are we?" He smiles.
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This is what he likes, he's comfortable playing games and teasing people. He likes feeling in control.
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"Have you tried journaling?" I tease him.
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"Do I look like I own a journal of my thoughts and feelings" he laughs.
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"Don't knock it till you've tried it" I say.
"You might find it helpful even" I add.
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"Do you feel better now" he laughs.
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"So much thanks" I smile.
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He brushes my hair back. His fingers going from my hair down my neck. He eyes me warily. His hand goes down the side of my waist slowly. He lingers around my hip bone.
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"Your hips are really nice" he says hoarsely.
"And don't start it's just a compliment" he laughs seeing my expression.
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He puts his hand on the small of my back. He looks up into my eyes.
"You haven't shouted at me yet?" He whispers smiling.
"Normally you would flinch and tell me to fuck off" he laughs.
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I'm silent, I just breathe. This is not happening. This does not feel good or nice I convince myself. I am in enough trouble already, I have enough on my plate with Matty and Ross.
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"Do I need to remind you that you were kissing Rach not even 50 minutes ago?" I say smiling.
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"Do you want me to do the same to you" he laughs.
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"Not my point" I say. He reaches his arm up my back. Going over my shoulders and resting around my neck.
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"If I did I would rest my hand on your neck here" he whispers.
He checks my reaction. I'm waiting on him and I kick myself for being so damn receptive to his charm. He pauses and smiles.
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"Well I guess we'll never find out how that would feel" he says and sighs.
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He steps back from me. Removing all contact. I turn on my heels and slowly enter the lecture hall. He catches my hand as we go in and holds it. It's odd. Unlike him.
He is always so unexpected and darn right forthright.
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