Taylor's POV
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Although Matthew drives carefully through the snow we arrive at the clinic in record time. I dry my eyes off as he jumps out of the car and opens my door helping me out into the parking lot.
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"It will be okay this is just a precaution" he explains softly, pulling his arms around me and smiling as he guides me up to the entrance.
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"It's my fault" I cry and he shakes his head pulling me into his chest.
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"Not even in the slightest. It is not your fault at all, I love you. Don't pin this on you, it's fine Jane's a bitch. You will be fine, the babies will be fine" he says. I pray for the wellness of my unborn babies as we walk up to the desk, willing them to be fine and intact.
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Matthew deals with everybody, he sorts everything out and within thirty minutes I am in a bed with jelly on my belly and an ultrasound machine. The device goes over my tummy for an unbearable amount of time. Matty holds my hand watching as the nurse checks the notes and the ultrasound continuously.
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"There you are" she smiles glancing at baby A.
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"See here is babies head" she smiles glancing down at my hospital notes again and furrowing her brow.
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"Your notes indicate this is a twin pregnancy" she says moving the device over me. Matthew holds onto my hands and I wipe my eyes nodding.
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"Okay baby A" she says searching again, checking him or her off of her list.
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"Let me just" she hesitates standing up and heading for the door. I glance at Matthew and he stands up holding onto my head and kissing me softly.
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"It's okay Taylor honestly" he whispers kissing me as I worry and cry.
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"Shhh baby" he says holding onto me as the nurse walks back into the room with a more senior, older midwife. She smiles at us and reassures us as she puts some more jelly on my belly and grasps the device.
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"Baby A is happy and growing at a good rate" she smiles.
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"He or she is sucking his or her thumb" she smiles over at me as I wipe my eyes. Matthew strokes my hair back, and kisses my cheek.
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"Okay" she says finally after a long check.
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"Baby B, I'm very sorry but sometimes this does happen. And really there isn't any explicit reason for it to happen. I'm sorry to inform you both that you have experienced vanishing twin syndrome." She explains softly.
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"This is when a baby from a multiple pregnancy is absorbed back into the mother, resulting in a miscarriage of one of the embryos" she adds and I wipe my eyes.
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"Vanishing twin" Matthew stutters.
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"I'm very sorry, yes" she says softly as the younger nurse stands behind her with a look of care and sympathy on her face.
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"It's important to know that there is no specific cause for this, or reason for it to happen" she adds.
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“I’m very sorry for your loss” she whispers filling out my pregnancy notes before excusing the younger nurse from the room.
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“There’s not anything we specifically need to do and I appreciate this is a difficult thing to get your head around. Please take comfort in the fact that baby a is okay and growing steadily” she smiles before leaving the room and giving us some time to process this news.
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"Matthew" I sob as he looks down at me processing this new information.
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"Taylor" he says softly helping me off of the bed.
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"It was only a couple of days" he stutters, our last scan had shown us two babies just days ago. Baby B had been smaller, unfortunately for us that meant he or she had most likely stopped growing and had passed on over the last day. I think of all of the things I've been doing over the last couple of days and wonder when it happened, could it have been when I was cooking or brushing my teeth or even being sick. I feel guilty for not being able to feel when I lost the baby, for not being able to prevent the loss of the baby. I collect my bags and head towards the door wanting out of the room. Hiding my tears and shock from Matthew as I refuse to look at him.
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Matthew drives us back with his hand on my knee the entire time. I think about all of our plans, the immediate ones of buying baby clothes over the coming weekend and how perhaps it's better to be cautious, to leave the purchasing of the babies stuff until later on. The anxiety takes over me as I realise this may not be the end of the misery. I had no idea when baby b passed away, none what so ever and I begin to worry about baby a. Grasping onto my waist and crying as Matthew exits the highway, he shh's me and rubs my thighs.
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"I love you so much" he whispers as he drives down our suburban road back to the house. It could be at any moment, any given time my baby could stop existing and I wouldn't know. I hadn’t known when baby b died inside of me, and I worry beyond belief that something terribly tragic could still happen to baby a.
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"Matthew, I can't do this anymore" I say and he looks at me alarmed. The anxiety pulling me under as I cry next to him.
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"Taylor it's okay we will be fine, the baby will be okay" he says reassuringly and I cry all the more as he says baby instead of babies.
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"I promise you" he says reversing onto the drive and collecting me from the passenger side. Matthew guides me through the snow onto the porch and helps me onto the sofa once we're inside. He briefly looks at me with an expression that tells me he has no idea what to do, how to react and fix this. I dump my bags on the side and grasp my phone willing myself not to search up vanishing twin syndrome on google as he turns on the flatscreen and heads into the kitchen. Just as I'm about to press search on google my phone rings and I answer it thankful for the distraction.
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"Jay" I say softly as the call connects and he clears his throat uncomfortably. I must sound awful.
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"Taylor" he says softly without even a hint of attitude.
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"I'm so sorry are you okay?" He asks me softly and it sets me off, I cry as Matthew comes in and sets the hot drink down on the side.
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"Shhh I'm sorry this is all my fault" Jay reassures me down the phone.
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"It's not honestly Jay I shouldn't have answered " I say through sobs meaning his phone call.
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"Please Taylor can I just see you for even half an hour just to say sorry. I mean it, I'm so sorry even if Matthew is there the entire time. I just need to" he says slightly exasperated.
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"I shouldn't have got in her way" I begin.
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"This is not something you can blame on yourself. I'm sorry, that my actions caused this." He says softly.
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"Why did you stand up for me?" He asks genuinely.
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"Because she's a bitch and it made me angry" I reply.
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"Nobody deserves that" I add as Matthew strokes my back.
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"She heard from somebody that we were talking about ugh you know what in the lecture. I deserve that shit but you don't, I've told her to shut up about it" he says and I panic a little at the thought of her saying anything to anybody else.
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"She's totally insane, causing a scene like that. It's so immature and childish. I felt so angry and I just reacted" I say to him and my mind travels away from my misery just briefly hearing him go on about something over than babies and syndromes. Sitting back and sipping my hot chocolate I close my eyes and just let him talk. I smile to myself as he talks about a new piece of art that he’s purchased; he explains the painting and goes into detail on how it was made.
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"What are you doing?" He asks a caring tone to his voice as Matthew walks upstairs to retrieve my pyjamas.
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"I'm just laying here on the sofa" I say to him.
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"I'm so happy you're not crying still and that I managed to bore you so much with my talk of art" he chuckles and I giggle.
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"Ohhh I'm going to miss that giggle all weekend long" he says in his southern voice.
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"You... are insane" I giggle and he chuckles.
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"Why I love your giggle" he says down the phone.
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“Why Jay” I ask him.
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“Because I know the little smile that spreads over your lips when you do it” he explains and I smile.
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"Okay" he says slowly.
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"I'll make it all up to you Monday seen as you won't let me drop by and see that you're okay" he smiles and I chuckle.
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"You don't have to" I tell him.
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"I need to" he says simply.
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"Goodbye Taylor" he says silkily.
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"Goodbye Jay" I whisper not wanting to hang up, when I talk to him I don't have to mention the baby I just lost. He disconnects the call and I close my eyes, returning to the reality where I am a failure who doesn't even know when she loses one of her unborn babies.
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Striding into to the kitchen I make a start of dinner, chopping up mushrooms and onions and adding in some seasoning before making a pie. Matthew returns and I’m unsure whether I should just act normally around him, after all he is going through this too and wouldn’t that be terribly insensitive. Or should I bring it all up again and put us both through the pain and misery?
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“I’m making us a puff pastry pie” I tell him and he smiles walking over to the fridge and grasping the fizzy to pour me some.
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Matty comes up behind me. I close my eyes taking in his touch. I close my eyes briefly as he cradles my waist, placing his lips on my neck and kissing me.
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“You’re amazing, never ever put this on yourself. I love you absolutely unconditionally” he whispers standing behind me as a few tears stream down my cheeks.
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“We have a baby that at this very moment is most likely sucking his or her thumb in your womb, and you are the best mother there ever has been in this world” he whispers.
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“I love you” I whisper back and he kisses me softly and tenderly as I crane my lips to his.
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"The filling is ready, I hope it tastes all right" I say, grasping a spoon and scooping some up. I blow on it and then feed it to him as his arms encircle me.
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"Mmm it tastes perfect" he says smiling down at me. I grab my own spoonful and try some.
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"That's just what I needed." I say smiling.
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Spooning the mixture into a lined tin and adding the puff pastry top I place it in the oven and allow it time to bake.
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“Jay apologised?” He asks me holding onto me in our kitchen.
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“He apologised and then went on about some piece of art he’s just bought” I tell him and he laughs just slightly.
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“He had broken up with Jane and she was pretty angry, I stood up for him and she just lashed out” I explain and he nods slowly.
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“Shall I ring him? Did he sound alright?” He asks slightly concerned. At times I forget that Matthew and Jay are best friends.
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“He sounded like Jay” I snicker as he pulls out his phone and dials Gilbert Scott’s number.
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“Yeah man. You all good” I hear him say into the phone as I check on the pie and prep some vegetables.
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“No she’s all good, hey please don’t go out and get super drunk. Come over” Matthew says, I add some more vegetables into the mix. Enough to serve three.
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“All good” he mouths to me and I nod, being around Jay will help me to not sit around and think about the baby, Matthew is aware of that.
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“See you man” he says nicely and hangs up.
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“It’s just he would most likely do the same” he whispers hugging me again from behind.
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“He apologised to you for her behaviour and that’s growth.” He comments and I laugh.
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“Matthew you never have to ask my permission to invite your friends over” I explain turning and facing him.
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“Plus I just baked a whole beef pie” I smile and he grins.
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“Keep an eye on the pie” I say to him as I walk up the staircase to change.
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“Yes boss” he laughs lighting up the fire in the kitchen.
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