Taylor's POV
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"The psychology exam was easy." I explain to Matthew siping a glass of wine and touching his chest. We got in from the cold and proceeded to lay on the sofa almost immediately.
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"I'm so proud of you babe" he says kissing me.
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"Thank you" I smile at him cheekily, kissing down his chest and getting carried away. My hand finding its way to his jeans and unzipping them. He sighs and I know that he's going to tell me no.
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Following the miscarriage, I underwent a D&C procedure to remove the remaining tissue that used to be my beautiful twin babies. It took but twenty minutes and I was out for the entirety of the procedure. I visualised the babies for the final time, and said goodbye to them. Thoughts of them still linger, occasionally I remember my dreams of them and cry. The procedure left me in pain physically and emotionally.
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It has also left our sexual relationship in a difficult place, Matthew I think is actually worried about impregnating me again. Who can blame him really, my body failed us, it was a difficult experience for him and for us both.
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"Taylor" he says softly halting me.
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"How are you feeling" he asks softly.
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"I'm ready for this Matthew" I tell him, we were advised to not have sex for some time, Matthew took this on board and I'm yet to engage him in intercourse.
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"How are you my love" I ask him stroking his thighs.
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"I'm just worried about you. But you're coping well. I catch myself thinking about it and try to let it pass" he says worried.
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"Matthew let me relax you" I say to him sipping my wine.
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"You don't have to perform for me Taylor" he says and I remove my hands from him, feeling like a useless partner that can't even excite him anymore. It's true that he's grieving, I feel absolutely guilty for all of the pain in his heart.
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We're quiet for sometime as he rolls up, I notice that he's smoking funny cigarettes again and almost roll my eyes. When the person that you love retreats from your physical touch and preoccupies themself by loosing all contact with the real world it's difficult to watch.
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He breathes in the smoke and rests his head back on the sofa, closing his eyes briefly. I watch him deciding whether to leave him be and get changed for our night out or to try again to sort out all of our many problems.
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"Earlier I bumped into Jay and he ugh kissed me kind of" I blurt out unsure of where my admission came from. He opens his eyes, slowly. This was not a good move.
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"I'm not in the right head at the moment Matty, I'm not excusing it and I did pull away but I have to tell you all the same" I add looking down into my lap. He scoffs slightly and taps the ash away in the ash tray.
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"Do you like Jay?" He asks openly, pushing his hair back.
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"As a good friend yes" I admit watching him smoke, and loose all sense of the person I love. All of his endearing qualities are forgotten when he's high.
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"Okay then what do you want me to say? That's okay did you enjoy yourself? I don't even know what to say to that. I mean fucking hell Taylor, I spend the whole day worrying about you. Your health and your emotional wellbeing and you just let him...Walking around with him all day long" he says angrily, I'm shocked by his abruptness, he has never, ever spoken like that to me.
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"No, I get your point I just don't feel like I instigated it and it happened but I stopped it" I explain to him as he watches me, his pupils slightly dilated.
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"Okay Taylor, I just got kissed today by Rhea. I did stop it but yeah just so you know?!" He laughs and I shrink further into the sofa.
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"It's not the best feeling is it?" he prompts me.
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"No" I say quietly as he rolls another after stubbing out the first rather angrily.
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"Taylor, he likes you a lot. He will do anything to get with you. I'm constantly paranoid and worried about it. Thinking you're going to leave me for him. Thinking he's touching you" he says whilst rolling.
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"And now I know what he is doing, that just makes it worse." He explains lighting up the second funny cigarette.
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"Taylor" he says as I throw my arms around him. He stiffens slightly but I keep a hold of him as he begins sobbing.
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"I don't know what to do, nothing works" he says between sobs.
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"Please can you just either be with me, or not" he half cries.
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"I love you Matty" I whisper to him looking up at his face and seeing the distress.
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"I love you too" he says resigned, defeated.
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I climb onto his lap facing him, he stiffens again and his hands move away from me. I sigh just wanting to kiss him again.
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"You have to let me touch you" I say to him.
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"I love you more than anything Matthew, I always have and always will. We can get through anything together" I tell him placing my hands on his jaw as he watches me.
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I kiss him slowly and he remains still. Forcing my mouth onto him, I sigh and run my hands through his hair.
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"I love you" I whisper crushing my lips into him.
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"I'm sorry" I say and his hands rub up my back finally. His hands travel through my hair as I move my hips into him.
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"Please Matthew I miss you" I say to him as he sighs and his mouth travels down my jaw and over my neck. Urgent kisses that make me gasp.
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"I'm sorry too" he says softly stroking my hair back.
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"Please" I ask him and he places his hand under the T-shirt I'm wearing.
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"Let's start slowly" he sighs, and I smile down at him. He massages in between my legs and I gasp at the pleasure building in between my thighs.
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"Matthew" I gasp.
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"I want you" I tell him as he keeps his finger working.
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"You have me" he says softly working me up.
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"I want you" I tell him pulling at his jeans, I need to feel connected to him again. Lifting me up he settles me down onto the sofa, I smile until he leaves his jeans on. Lowering his lips to my breasts he kisses me and continues using his hands. I finish clutching onto the cushions around me.
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"Why won't you give yourself to me anymore" I say before I can stop myself.
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"You have me Taylor" he whispers sitting down on the sofa next to me.
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"Is it my body? Or do you just I don't know?" I say exasperated pulling the shirt down.
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"That's literally crazy talk" he says defensively.
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"Well what is it then, why won't you have sex with me?" I ask him.
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"I will can we just take things a bit slower" he says softly, as I wipe my eyes.
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"You won't even let me touch you okay ?" I say embarrassed.
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"Okay fine" I say as he lights up another pushing his hair back as I stand to get ready feeling more stressed than I did before.
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Half stomping up the stairs I shower alone. Tears in the shower is always the best start to a night out, I think idly. Having blow dried my hair I pin it in a half up half down style. I overload on the makeup, I'm usually pretty fresh faced, however tonight I'm even wearing false eyelashes. Red lipstick and bronzer.
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“Taylor you look unforgettable” Matthew says as I walk down our oak steps, I shrug off just a little bit of my mood temporarily.
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“That’s a nice red dress” he comments and I smile.
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“It’s maroon” I smile and he pulls me in for a hug. I miss the intensity of our relationship, before he would pin me against the wall and assault my body with kisses. The dress I’m wearing is rather short for snow, but I have teamed it with stiletto ankle boots. It’s silk, with long sleeves and a low back. I pull on my wool coat noticing that he changed into a shirt and tie whilst I showered, we both leave the house.
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Spotting Rachel at the bar, I place my coat in the cloakroom and Matthew walks with me hand in hand over to Ross and Brad who are keeping her company.
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"Taylor what are you drinking?" Brad says eyeing me.
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“Prosecco please” I tell him.
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“That dress is gorgeous” Rachel says eyeing me and placing her hands on the silk.
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“You look wonderful Taylor” Ross says softly as Matthew nods.
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I sip my Prosecco and get the feeling that everybody is watching me wondering if I’m going to get wildly drunk again tonight, I’m not. I hope.
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“So what’s tapas” Rachel says standing in ear shot of almost all of the bar staff. They laugh and I hug her, I love how she breaks all of the tension just by being herself.
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Matthew guides us over to our reserved table and holds the chair out for me as I take a seat and thank him.
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“Tapas is a Spanish cuisine of small dishes” Ross informs her sitting at one side of the table.
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“So we can just all order a whole host of different things and share” Matthew adds and I smile at him as he brushes my knee, one arm hooked around my neck.
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Rachel peruses the menu perplexed before informing us that she has no idea what this foreign language is.
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“It’s Spanish” Brad laughs.
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“Don’t worry I’ll translate” I say having experience of being in a tapas bar before glancing up at the cloakroom and locking eyes with Jay as he walks in, wearing a light grey suit which is tailored to his body. His hair is neatly swept back and his eyes search mine, before eyeing my dress and red lips. As I look at his crisp white shirt he smirks slightly heading over to the bar. The waitress eyes him up and attempts to engage him in conversation.
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Rhea and Malachi stride through the entrance entwined with one another. I catch her eye, she walks up to me instantly eyeing the dress and smiling.
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“This is very nice” she smiles.
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“Hey you look wonderful too” I say eyeing her fluffy fur coat and smiling. Her skin glows and she looks radiant.
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.Jay follows soon after with his brandy placing his blazer on the back of the chair as he hands Malachi a brandy and Rhea a glass of Prosecco. They thank him surprised as he sits down, eyes settling on my own as he scoops his shirt sleeves up and smiles eyeing my neck and lips briefly.
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Matthew and Jay greet each other, Matthew is cordial and pleasant yet there is an edge to their interaction. Jay sips his brandy and lounges back in his chair, as we all discuss mains and he shares his knowledge on Spanish food. As a group we end up going for some patatas bravas, huevos rotos, a selection of cheeses, olives and a whole host of fish. Calamari was my choice and I can’t wait to try fried squid.
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The music is soft and low and I tune into that already feeling the Prosecco go to my head. I somewhat self consciously pull my dress up slightly self conscious of my cleavage sitting right in front of Jay. Ladies I mouth to Rhea and she nods standing as we escort one another through the bar garnering looks from random men, not all of them in the correct age bracket for us to entertain.
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“Can you tell me from your perspective is Jay watching me ?" I ask her as we stand in the bathroom by the double mirrors. I fluff my hair and reapply the red lipstick.
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"He is, can't take his eyes off you. Why what's going on" she asks confused and interested.
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"But your boobs are out to be fair” she nods and I laugh.
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I turn to her and she waits for me to off load. Her eyes watching me and waiting.
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"Jay kissed me. I've told Matty" I say and she frowns slightly.
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"He did what! Shut the fuck up. How was Matty?" She asks me curiously.
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"He was pretty upset. He cried. But we have a lot going on, a lot. I was…” I say and she gasps instantly hugging me just knowing what I was about to say.
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“I was expecting twins. And I lost one, and then the other” I say to her and she holds me in the bathroom.
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“Taylor I’m so sorry. I understand why you didn’t say a thing, with babies it’s so unpredictable. How are you holding up” she asks seriously and I nod pulling myself together.
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“I’m okay, I had a procedure a few weeks back to complete the miscarriage and since then he won’t you know.” I say softly.
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“He won’t have sex with me” I explain and she nods, sitting up on the sink. I clamber up on the side and sit next to her resting back and sighing.
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“He’s worried about impregnating me” I say to her.
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“But he won’t even let me touch him, it’s like he’s switched out from it all. And it’s… well you know” I say exasperated as the door clicks and an older lady walks in eyeing us and smirking slightly before ducking into a stall. We hop down and Rhea pulls me in for a hug again.
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“Anything. Let me know what you need at any time” she whispers before we walk back through the bar.
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Pulling her towards the bar, I buy a second round for everybody. The waiter stares at me whilst placing the bottle in a bucket of ice. He has sweeping brown hair and I would place his age at around twenty five. He paces around the bar and I watch him bemused as Rhea rolls her eyes.
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"Where are these going ?" He asks holding the drinks for me.
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“Table ten” I explain and he walks behind me to our table.
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"Thanks Tay" Rach laughs eyeing him up briefly as he hands out the drinks.
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Cute waiter guy hands out mine last and places it in my hand pulling my chair out for me. I giggle and sit down telling him thanks. Matty smiles over at me.
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"Thank you" he kisses me after sipping his brandy.
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The mains have arrived and everybody starts to eat, I delve into the calamari. It’s crispy and delicious and I love it instantly.
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"How did you find the test Jay" I say casually looking over at him.
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"It was alright I suppose" he says to me and smiles warmly.
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"The question about alpha types made me chuckle" he laughs.
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"Sure it did" I smirk as he passes the bowl of patatas bravas to me.
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"Matty when’s your exhibition again" Rhea asks directing the conversation to him.
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"Tomorrow night" he says and I smile over at him and rub his back. He keeps his eyes on me for a second and I smile.
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"Can Malachi and I come?" She asks softly.
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"Of course you're all welcome" he explains smiling at everybody. His smile reaches his eyes and I rub his hand softly.
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"What have you painted" Malachi asks genuinely interested. Malachi has his dark hair pulled back into a man bun and is wearing a simple shirt. New tattoos exposed on his forearm.
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"A few different prints, one includes Taylor as a subject" he smirks. I face him and stroke his hair a glorious smile falls over his lips and I feel relief wash over me after our argument earlier.
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"And there will be champagne" I add trying to pull the conversation away from that point.
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"Are you nude!?" Rhea asks sipping her Prosecco and smirking.
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"Almost" I say blushing eyes on my plate.
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"I'm preoccupied with her hip bones, it took me hours to draw them correctly. She still hasn't seen it, to be fair." He says smiling at me.
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"That's wild" Rhea says smiling.
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I imagine being in a room where a drawing of me half naked is and squirm slightly, but then I remind myself that Matthew drew it and therefore I’m sure he has made it extremely tasteful and forgiving of any of my imperfections.
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Almost downing my glass of Prosecco before we leave Rachel eyes me smiling as Matty talks with Malachi on the way out.
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"You look beautiful" Jay whispers in my ear just ever so slightly pulling my hand back and letting the others walk ahead.
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"And you look smart" I tell him smiling, the Prosecco has really worked a number on me.
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"I wish I could take you home" he whispers rubbing my hand in his own whilst keeping an eye on the others.
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"I confessed what happened between us" I say to him.
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"Which occasion ?" He smirks.
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"Shhh" I say.
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"Now I just sound awful" I admit looking down at my wool coat wrapped around me as we walk to the cinema.
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"It's all my fault don't worry" he laughs as I look up into his shining eyes.
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"Thanks Jay" I begin as he watches me captivated, and for a brief second I worry that he’s going to kiss me.
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"For suggesting this and for cheering me up" I explain.
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"Anytime" he smiles easily.
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