Taylor’s POV
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Carter wraps up and I pack up, everything. Quickly shrugging on my coat intent on not talking to either of them. As I sit with my bag on my lap just waiting for the lecturer to shut up Jay eyes me and smirks.
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Realising I’ve either got to walk past Jay on my left or Ross on my right to get out, I curse myself for sitting in between them and not alone at the back.
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"Psst talk to me after?" Jay whispers as Carter is still rambling on. I shoot him a glare, wiping my eyes slightly. Cursing myself again for having such strong emotions, and for crying at every single darn thing. Why does it feel like betrayal? Why does it feel like he’s hurt me when he’s not even mine?
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The lecture ends, finally. Holding onto my bag I stand up.
"Talk to me please" Ross says softly before moving out of my way. He's not mine, I have no right to shout at him. I look at him in his eyes briefly. He's searching mine, cursing at my tears.
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"About what? Do whatever you want" I say before walking past him. I will push him out of the way if I have to. I have no right to tell him what to do, and right now I’m so angry that I will do just that. It’s not my place to lecture him on any girl that he dates.
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Refusing to look back, I march my way out to the corridor. Pushing through the hall in my louboutins I head out of the large oak double doors and head straight to dance. Changing methodically, and folding up my clothes, I pull on the dance shorts before texting Matthew. Explaining that I will head to the gym after dance, and asking him to meet me by the car. I don’t want to see Ross, at all.
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Dance flies by we are practising in the open stage area. I throw myself into the routine and gain myself lead dancer of the performance, at least something good came out of this new revelation. It almost stops me from seeing Jen's face in my minds eye smirking and telling me she's slept with every guy I've been close to countless times. I hate her. With a passion.
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At the end of practice the other dancers in my class begin stretching and one by one filter off to the changing rooms. I watch girls turn their heads to the seating and looking up I notice the reason for all of their stares. Ross in his pale blue shirt, sits down at the top and waits for me.
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I continue practising, blanking him out. I have a lead role to fulfil and he is not my man neither my problem, I tell myself. I stretch off at the end on the barre, the only dancer left. He waited me out, of course he did and so I begin walking towards him.
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"What?" I say sulking, taking the seat next to him.
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"I'm sorry" he tells me straight away.
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"Ross you can get with whoever you like. It's not up to me." I tell him. I feel so angry that it's her, Rachel would have been fine. But Jen, he can do better. He should know better.
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"No I'm sorry. I just know you have a history with her," he begins and I look at him angrily.
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"A history? You mean she tried to humiliate me at every chance she could get, she ridiculed me in front of everyone. She's a waste of space" I say angrily pulling my hair out of the high ponytail.
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"It's not anything Tay. She just was there" he says pushing his hair back with his hands.
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"How many times was she just there?" I ask him, briefly thinking about how we've never even had sex.
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"I haven't been counting, I guess about nine or ten times" he admits looking at me.
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"Well when then was the first time?" I ask, if it was anywhere near the party then I might just slap him.
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"It was around five days maybe a week after what happened " he says softly. I deserve this for messing with him, for leading him on I put my head in my hands and wipe my face. Grateful that I bought makeup with me to freshen up, after this is over.
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"You were there, Ross and you comforted me after she... " I say feeling sick. I pull my arms around my waist.
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"I know I'm sorry. I'm trying to be honest." He says looking at me earnestly.
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"So that's why you didn't invite me anywhere after all that happened" I say realising, putting two and two together.
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"'No I wanted to give you some space. And for me and for Jen it's not anything apart from...” he begins.
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“I just needed to feel something okay, look I fucking love you and you're with my best friend despite everything. I see you with him, and I always wish it were me." he says touching my hands.
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"Please do not say you love me for the first time ever like this and do not use me to justify having casual sex with Jen. Why her? She's horrible. Is this all just some way of getting back at me" I say and I'm crying. Why am I crying? I pull my hands away from him.
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Undeterred he delicately wipes my tears away.
"Because I don't feel anything for her, I can't for anybody apart from you. I think about you all of the time. I want to message you all of the time, I want to hug you all of the time. I want to see you smile and be the person that makes you smile." he tells me softly.
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"I'm going to the gym now" I say in shock, standing up and thinking of running. He catches my hand and I need to run, away from him.
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"Taylor. Please." He says pulling me into him.
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"What? You want me to tell you that I'm happy for you and that I give you my blessing. I can't, I hate her she's a truly awful person and you could do better. What do you want from me, Ross?" I ask him.
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"I want you, to myself. We were supposed to be together, Tay" he says softly holding onto my hands.
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"Do you know how hard it is to fall for somebody whilst they're falling for your best friend. And now the one girl I am in love with, is engaged to my best friend." He says softly.
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I carefully watch him, he's searching my expression holding onto me. I need to put distance between us. His arms move around my waist and he's too familiar. I remember how it felt to hold him.
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"I hate her okay, I've never hated anybody ever. I hate her so much for making me feel like a worthless piece of shit in front of everybody. And now you're with her so" I say.
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"I think maybe it's best we don't talk" I admit, I've got to push him out. He's holding me and trying to comfort me, and all I can see in my head is Jen kissing him and touching him.
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"Firstly I'm not with her. And secondly are you not hearing me ? I love you" he says softly.
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"No, Ross you don't. Because you wouldn't just get with her if you did" I tell him. I can't get it out of my head, I just keep seeing her with him.
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"Can you just once, just one time tell me how you feel about me? I've never ever heard you tell me that you like me Tay" he asks looking into my eyes.
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"Not right now Ross this is so messy okay. I’m engaged, you’re seeing Jen" I retort.
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"So you love me but you're pissed off?" he asks me.
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"Please, I'm begging you to be direct with me, because I'm losing my shit over you. Seeing you every day. Wanting you and not having you. Seeing you smile at me when you see me. I just need to hear you say it. If you don't feel anything then that's fine, but I need to know if I'm going crazy. Please just do me that one favour” he asks of me.
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"I do care for you and love you but what does that change?" I say softly.
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"It changes everything it means I'm not imagining how you feel about me. I should have been more there for you after that night" he says regretfully.
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"It just feels like I have the wrong timing all the time. Like I want things to go my way and they just don't" he starts.
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"I don't want to lose you ever. And I've convinced myself that's selfish. I know I can't have it both ways but I felt so betrayed when Jay told me earlier. And then I thought well why should I? You're not mine." I say.
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"I could be" he faces me sitting me down on one of the chairs. His legs open as he holds onto my hands facing him.
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“I can wait for you Taylor, I can wait for you to decide what you want. I am willing to do that for you." He explains squeezing my hands lightly.
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"That's not fair on anybody and even if I want that more than anything it's not fair for me to ask that of you. I also really don't have a right to tell you who you can or can't see. So please don't stop on my account” I tell him stroking his hair back just once.
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"Okay, I don't give a fuck about fairness. I don't care about things not being fair. I will like you anyways, I only care about you and what I can do to make you see that you're supposed to be with me." he says.
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I stand up, I can't promise him anything and I cannot be that person for him. I love him, but I also love Matty. Feeling utterly confused, I attempt to pull myself together.
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Ross stands up in front of me, he quickly pulls me into a hug, one of his bear hugs before I can protest. His frame is so big and muscular, he wraps his arms around me. He pulls me in and it feels different. Less tension than there has been between us since we began being friends. Like he's found a new resolve. I pull away and as I do he kisses my forehead.
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