Taylor's POV
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Simply put, keeping time rolling is difficult, keeping myself moving forward every single second in a place where our future used to exist. Where we used to romanticise our hopes and dreams. Yet now the memories of them cause more pain and misery than I ever could have imagined.
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Matthew lights up two cigarettes handing me one, and my mind bitterly tells me that I am no longer in such a precious condition for anybody to worry about smoking around me.
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"If this gets too much just text me I will come and get you straight away" he says looking over at me, reading my mood and eyeing me cautiously. I had been wildly drunk last night when Jay brought me home. Throwing myself at Matthew's best friend in his car, is a particular low point for me. Even if he had told me that he was in love with me three times, it was still very much the wrong thing to do. Jay however, amidst the pain, makes me feel like I'm living. Not barely surviving.
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"I'll meet you after psychology and we can have lunch together" Matthew adds, pulling me in for a kiss. He shrugs his jacket on and ruffles his hair before opening the door and walking over to my side.
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"I love you babe" I smile up at him, realising I have no recollection of the last time I even contributed to the conversation.
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"I love you Taylor, we can get through this together" he whispers kissing my forehead before leaving and heading over to art.
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I traipse through the snow in a black bodycon dress, a mid grey wool coat and high heeled boots. Opening up the large wooden doors to the building I breathe in the scent of books and permanent markers, mints and coffee. Registering the noise of lectures already beginning I glance down at my phone and realise that I'm running five minutes late. Ducking my head into the lecture hall I feel the stares of the other students settle onto me as I ascend the steps up to Ross and Jay.
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"Morning" Jay whispers to me, as I settle in quietly next to him. Glancing up at him, I feel almost normal again. With him I can just be Taylor. Not Taylor who is in complete and utter turmoil. The Taylor that can have a joke, the Taylor that hasn't just suffered a miscarriage.
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"Morning" I whisper and he smiles before returning his gaze to the front of the lecture hall.
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Carter goes on and on, going over topics that we looked at yesterday in our revision session, I focus on making notes and adding to the ideas which I have already formed. Somehow even though it’s been over a month I almost rub my tummy imagining the babies being nestled in there, misery falls over me as I imagine the sound of our little babies heart. Which at some point stopped, leaving me empty and unable to get on with my daily life.
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Eventually the lecture ends and I sit there numb just waiting for everybody to move around me. Packing up my things silently I stand and follow Ross out, feeling Jay behind me the entire time.
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“Matthew” I whisper as I reach the door and hug him.
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“Hey there” he whispers in my ear, gazing at me and watching for clues as to my mental state. As of late I have been up and down, it must be difficult for him to know which Taylor he is going to wake up too, the one that wants to go out and live or the one that can’t open her eyes because of the lack of sleep from the bad dreams.
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As a group we walk over to the refectory, the guys talk and I focus on putting my feet in the right direction. The automatic doors glide open and I focus on what’s for lunch, above all else I will not be crying on campus.
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Whilst I’m picking at my sushi on our collection of sofas, I notice Jay’s eyes flick up from me assessing the blonde girl that is approaching us. I duck my head realising it’s Jane, recognising her light grey polo top and wondering if my day could get any worse.
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"Jay can we talk" she asks him calmly, her back resolutely to me.
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"About what? The last time we spoke you practically hit Taylor” he says calmly.
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"No about us" she says softly before shooting a glare over her shoulder at me.
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"I'm sorry Tay" she adds quickly.
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Rachel saunters over to the sofas with Brad, she eyes Jane as if to say not again, rolling her eyes as she takes a seat and I smile at her.
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"Look I said I'm sorry I just want to talk" Jane mutters.
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“I think that we could make things work again” she pleads and I hide my embarrassment for her.
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Jay stands up pulling his Barbour coat on and huffing slightly. He guides her away from us and out of the building entirely, I eye him leaving and feel the strangest pang of jealousy.
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Rachel engages me in conversation and I nod along letting her do most of the talking as Matthew places his hand behind my shoulders. When all the food has been devoured and it’s time for our final lectures I collect my things and stand next to Matthew.
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“I had a bit of a moment earlier” I whisper to him as we walk out into the snow, the chill hits me and wrap mug wool coat around me.
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“I just thought about it all, and nearly ran out of my lecture” I say as he eyes me with concern.
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“I’m sorry, I love you.” He says wrapping his arms around me. Everything feels stilted between us somehow and really that’s what I find the most difficult navigating. He holds me before heading into the art department and as I watch him leave I begin begging myself to fall back into the person that I was before the miscarriage. The girl who was his entirely. Placing my finger around my engagement ring I hesitate before walking over to the dance alone. The cold air wraps around me as I clutch onto my bag and descend into the now dark field.
