Taylor's POV
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Waking up without him has to be the worst addition to our new daily routine. It's almost as if he knows that I am going to hug him or touch him and so he escapes the bedroom entirely to protect himself. I continually worry about waking up and finding him gone or worse passed out from drinking too much leaving me unable to revive him. I listen out for him, hearing the plates clanging downstairs, relieved I close my eyes again briefly.
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Perhaps I'm being demanding, but I miss him. His embrace and constant physical contact, the way his eyes used to watch me. His hands on my waist holding my bump, I wipe the tears away from my eyes and swing the duvet off of me intent on getting ready. Pulling on a plaid mini skirt, I don some sheer tights and heeled boots. Chucking on a cami top and then a little cropped jumper I decide I'm ready. Brushing out my long hair I perfect my makeup and spray some perfume sighing slightly that he hasn't come upstairs to check on me.
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Stumbling down the stairs I notice that he is cooking in the kitchen and relax a little, perhaps Matthew was just hungry. Embracing him from behind I kiss his neck and he chuckles slightly.
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"Where were you this morning?" I tease him and he smiles cooking the eggs on the gas ring.
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"I was cooking you breakfast" he smiles back and I laugh. Heading over to the coffee machine and setting up two cups.
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"How's the head" he asks me and I smirk.
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"I was not that drunk" I laugh over at him and he sighs dishing up the food.
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"Coming from you!?" I sigh and he chuckles as I place the mugs down on the oak table.
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"Mmmm shh gorgeous and eat your food" he teases me setting a fully cooked breakfast down on the table next to my coffee.
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"Thank you" I smile taking a seat.
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"You look wonderful today Taylor" he smiles sitting down in his own chair. I thank him and then tuck into the breakfast that he has made.
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"You know" I say softly.
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"We can try for another baby now" I smile up at him, truthfully I do love the idea of being pregnant again and not just for the physical contact and love that I am missing from him.
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Matthew places his knife and fork down and clears his throat. I had expected smiles, I had imagined happiness and excitement. Yet I receive worry and panic, which if I'm being totally honest with myself is entirely a logical reception to that statement after all things considered.
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"Is that what you would like?" He says softly almost hesitantly.
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"Yes" I say certainly.
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"You don't think it's too soon" he asks and I watch him carefully.
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"Do you?" I smile over at him rubbing his thigh, it's unusual for me to make all of the moves on him first. He used to be so tactile, so present within our relationship.
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"Not entirely I just want to make sure that you are emotionally okay for that. And what happens if!?" He says leaning into me. I spy the brandy bottle on the side and a used glass, he follows my eye-line and pushes his hair back.
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"I'm emotionally okay Matthew. Are you !?" I ask him and he almost flinches.
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"Taylor that's not fair" he whispers.
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"Ok" I say sulkily, standing up and collecting the plates.
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"You were literally telling me off for being hungover and you have already had a drink before nine am alone in the kitchen instead of..." I say, stopping myself short from saying he should have been holding me in bed. I load the dishwasher instead. Standing up and gazing out of the window I wipe my eyes, feeling his hands wrap around me as I sob.
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"I'm sorry" he says and I shake my head.
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"I literally cried when I woke up just because you weren't there, and I need you. I need you with me. And that's demanding and needy. But I miss you" I tell him as he turns me to face him. Shaking his head he watches me before wiping his eyes.
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"Okay I have a plan" he says softly.
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"We focus on us again, for a bit. I need to work my head around it all and then should we fall pregnant again it will be just fine this time." He says softly.
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"I can't be here without you being present in this too" I tell him and he nods.
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"I understand" he says embracing me walking over to the brandy bottle and tipping the remaining contents into the sink. He holds onto me in our kitchen, and I glance down at my wedding finger telling myself that really I should be more supportive of his issues. The problem entirely is that we are both experiencing the same problem and dealing with it in entirely different ways, separately. When we should be working together to help each other through, that's what married couples do I tell myself glaring at my ring and damning myself for being a rubbish fiancée.
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When we arrive on campus, it's like a breath of fresh air, he kisses me before heading over to art and I pull him into me savouring his kiss before I leave.
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"I'll see you later, I love you" he says and I smile watching him walk over in his leather jacket.
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Climbing the steps in the lecture hall, I look up at Ross and Jay who are both engrossed in conversation with one another. I slot in between them both and sit back into my seat.
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"Good morning" Jay says looking at me and I chuckle, smiling at him and his formal tone.
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"What" he chuckles and I giggle whilst Ross looks at us oddly.
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"Just you made me laugh" I blush and he rolls his eyes, facing the front again and tapping his pen on the small fold up desk attached to his chair.
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"Good morning both of you" I smile over at them both and Ross smirks.
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"You're in a great mood" Ross says briefly rubbing my arm.
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"So are you two" I laugh grabbing the items I need out of my bag and pulling my cropped jumper off entirely.
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"Good idea last night by the way" I comment glancing at Jay, he watches my expression reading what I'm thinking. Smiling to himself he looks down at my lips before turning his gaze to the guest lecturer who is filling in for Carter today.
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Folding up a piece of paper on the back of my notebook I begin to write a small list of all of the things I can do to positively affect my relationship with Matthew and his current melancholy. Coming up with ideas such as supportive, active listening and checking in. I almost note down not kissing or imagining Jay but stop myself short remembering that he's peering over my shoulder. Grasping my phone I message Rhea demanding that we need to talk. I explain that it's not an urgent thing, that I just need her to weigh in on my current situation.
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The lecture ends and I look up from my phone, I had been flicking through group pictures of all of us on my phone. Looking at Matthew in each of them and how he was always wrapped around me, no distance and no hesitation. It strikes me when I look at a picture from last night, Matthew had positioned himself across the room from me. It’s a stark contrast to a snap we took at the last party at Ryan's where his eyes bore into my own, I cry slightly in my chair looking at how his hands used to hold me.
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“Hey shh” Jay says wrapping his arms around my shoulders and pulling me into his chest just briefly. Smelling his cologne, I make sure I breathe in some deep steadying breaths before I lift my head and wipe my eyes.
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Jay eyes me concerned and I hide my face putting my stuff back in my bag again, slowly standing up and facing Ross who is watching me utterly alarmed.
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“Are you okay, I can skip English if you want to talk Taylor?” He asks and I smile over at him. Plastering a reassuring look on my face I shake my head.
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“It’s nothing” I say softly.
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"Are you guys coming later" I ask openly shaking off my mood. At seven tonight I will be wearing a fancy white silk gown and heels. Sipping champagne and looking at artwork in town. It is Matthew’s art and I am determined to be absolutely supportive of him.
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"Yes there's free champagne" Ross chuckles pulling me into an embrace. We descend the steps of the lecture theatre and I feel Jay’s hand on my back holding onto me.
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"Are you sure you’re okay" Ross says hesitating at the English corridor as Jay stands behind me holding onto me, just one hand on my back which just lets me know that he is there.
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"I’m honestly fine, I was just being silly” I reassure him.
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“I’ll see you tonight” I smile and he grins finally before leaving and I lose him to the crowd as he walks over to the English department.
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Turning in Jays arms, students filtering past us frantically trying to get to lectures, he watches my eyes before pulling me into his body right there in the corridor. Wrapping his arms around my waist and breathing me in slowly. Jay makes me feel warm, he makes me feel supported rather than the person who is holding everybody and everything together.
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"I'm free now” he says softly in my ear, feeling his cheek brush against my own as he moves away before taking my hand and clasping it in his own and wordlessly guiding me out of the building.
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I let him guide me, all the way through campus away from the main lecture buildings and up past the sports field all the way into the log fire cafe on the outskirts of the university.
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Holding onto my waist as I tuck myself into him he stands at the counter ordering a black coffee before turning to me and asking me what I would like. I tell him a mocha and he smiles before continuing with the order.
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Jay carries the tray upstairs where the log fire is roaring and all of the sofas are empty. We take up the large brown leather couch facing the fire and I dump my bag on the floor.
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I’m sure that he holds me for around twenty minutes if not more before we even touch our drinks or either of us speaks. The connection I feel to him surprises me, the space that we used to have between each other has been removed entirely and now he is just there for me.
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“Here” he says passing me my mocha which I sip as he watches me smiling. Sighing slightly I place it down and sit back on the sofa crossing my legs towards him as his hand helplessly finds its way to my thigh.
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“I had a bit of a morning.” I say finally, noticing how he gives me time to form my thoughts rather than asking questions.
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“We are not in a good place” I say hardly believing that I’m telling him this. I rest my head in my hands and wipe my eyes.
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“Matthew is drifting. Which I don’t blame him for; because I’m the fuck up in the relationship. And no matter how much I feel the blame or try my best to be present in the relationship he just…” I say softly.
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“I’m sorry” I say frustrated, just sure that Jay doesn’t want to sit and listen to all of my problems concerning Matthew. Especially considering our immediate romantic encounters.
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“Taylor” he says softly turning me to face him, the expression he wears of utter concern shocks me and I watch him.
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“You are not a fuck up” he says defiantly.
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"I know you, I accept who you are. I will not change you. You're excellent the way you are. I don't just see the perfect side, I can see all of it Taylor." He says softly and I listen to him whilst he holds onto my hands in my lap.
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"I want all of you” he whispers, removing his hands briefly he wipes my tears with a small reassuring smile on his lips. He makes me feel cared for, his thumb brushes my lips just before he holds onto my hands again.
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"What do you want?" He ventures softly.
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"You can say everything" he whispers as I feel his hand around my own. Around my wedding finger that is currently home to Matthew’s ring.
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"I can give you everything" he whispers and I look down into my lap. Grasping my jaw softly he positions my head back to looking at him and smiles softly.
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"Taylor I can give you the entire world" he smiles and I laugh finding that I love this side to him, the chaser of dreams.
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"I won't tell a soul" he looks at me seriously.
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"What do I want from you ?" I ponder out loud and he smirks. My brain practically screams at me that I need to consult council Rhea first before I say another word.
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"Imagine there are no other obstacles just us" he says and he strokes my cheek leaning into me just slightly.
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"But there are other obstacles." I begin feeling wrapped up and warm in his continuous embrace.
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"No" he smiles shaking his head.
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"I'm attracted to you Jay, that's clear." I say.
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"But do you just feel that or more ?" He asks of me.
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"More." I say softly.
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“I care for you and I’m trying to work out stuff in my head. With everything” I admit for the first time and he nods. Kissing my cheek softly, just a small peck as he breathes out. His eyes work magic on me and having admitted my feelings for him, I feel so sinful and treacherous.
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"What do you want, Jay?” I ask him softly as he sips his black coffee.
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"I want to take you home right now and never ever let you leave, I want you and only you. I want you every morning and every night." He explains matter of factly.
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Gazing into his clear blue eyes I hold onto his hand briefly. Noticing how I feel completely different about him, I used to look into his eyes and think him cold. Now I just see how piercing blue they are, like shining blue sapphires. I see his complexity, the darkness and the light of him. He strokes my arm and I shiver.
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“You are worth the wait, Taylor” he whispers.
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“And I intend on waiting for you” he smiles before we continue to drink our warm drinks as the snow falls outside and the fire crackles. He makes me laugh and giggle for almost the entire afternoon, telling me jokes and little stories from his childhood. It strikes me that I know him on a deeper level, more than anybody else ever will and that is special.
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