Jay is still fast asleep, his arms draped over me. I look out of our large panoramic window and realise it's still night. I climb out of the bed and head quietly down the hall.
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I need water and I'm super hungry. More baby symptoms it seems. My first thought is left over pizza. I take the stairs and head into my kitchen turning the light on when I get there. Standing over the pizza box I break off a few slices and heat them up. Next I grab a bottle of water and down it. The microwave dings and I rush to get my pizza out.
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I jump literally out of my skin and drop both slices of pizza at the sight of a sleepy Ross in the doorway.
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"I'm sorry" he chuckles and I laugh.
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"You're gonna have to stop sneaking up on me." I laugh.
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"Pizza?" I ask him and he nods sitting on the stool.
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I grab several slices and reheat.
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"Not tired ?" He asks.
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"Hungry" I say softly.
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"Are you not tired" I ask him.
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"Nope" he says and I go and grab the pizza and set it down in front of him.
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I eat and he just watches me, smiling.
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"Sorry I'm super hungry" I say laughing.
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"Want me to cook up something" he says and I smile at him.
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"What are we cooking" I say.
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"Did I ever make you pasta?" He asks.
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"No actually" I say.
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He hops down in just his shorts.
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"In the pantry" I laugh pointing at the door when I realise he has no idea where anything is. He disappears and returns with a bunch of ingredients which to be fair I do approve of.
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He sets up the oven and I just watch him, cooking me up pasta in the middle of the night. He boils the pasta his bare back to me. Once it's softened he throws some arrabatia sauce in. He finds his way to the fridge, seeking out the cooked chicken and he throws some of that in too. Grabbing the Parmesan whilst he's there.
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A concoction of herbs go in and I sit back holding onto my small bump. He turns to face me and his expression goes from one of excitement to love. Love that is all encompassing, how am I ever going to keep him and not hurt him?
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"Almost ready" he says softly his eyes travelling over me.
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"Thanks Ross" I say softly.
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He turns around again, and I stand and inspect his masterpiece. He dishes up the pasta and grates the Parmesan onto it.
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"Just say when" he smiles looking at me.
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"Mmm" I say smelling the food
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"Now" I say and he stops grating cheese.
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He grabs a fork, scoops some up and blows on it. I laugh and he feeds me the pasta. His other hand inconspicuously touching the small of my back.
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"Mmm that is" I say closing my eyes.
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He kisses my lips softly and I keep my eyes closed. I smile slightly and he kisses me again.
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"Really good" I say opening my eyes finally.
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He forks up another load and feeds me again. I grab the other fork and feed him and he chuckles. I should definitely put the necessary distance between us.
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It's just his eyes looked sad earlier when he asked me about Matty in the kitchen, and whether I meant everything I say to him. I don't want to see that look of sadness again. I just don't.
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So now we're feeding each other in my kitchen. His hand on the small of my back, casually pulling me closer.
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"Taylor" he says once we've finished the whole bowl.
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"Mmmhmm" I say.
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"I have to tell you a few things." He says softly and he looks at me. Panic rises and I know he's going to tell me that he's leaving me forever. I've pushed too far, I've not been fair to him. I've kissed his friends, done more than that. I'm pregnant and engaged.
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I stare into his eyes. Waiting.
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"I am very sorry for the way I dealt with everything earlier. The way I asked you about Matty" he begins.
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"I was jealous because I’m in love you. I will love you for the rest of my forevers." He smiles and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.
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"I'm going to go with Matty to London" he announces.
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"Just for a while" he adds softly.
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"I've been thinking about it for some time, I want to make sure that Matty is settled, and everything. I'll come back when I'm sure he's all good" he says and he watches me, true blue eyes looking into mine.
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"Ross" I say softly and I stroke his hair back.
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"You are the bestest friend in the world" I tell him.
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A tear escapes his eyes, and I wipe it.
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"I think you know how I feel" I say softly looking into his chest.
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"I wish I knew" he smiles pulling my chin up to his.
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Tears fall from my eyes.
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"What if you stay in London?" I say.
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"And I'm happy for you, but I will miss you" I say.
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"It won't be forever" he smiles.
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I kiss him, on his lips. He deepens the kiss instantly.
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"I love you" I whisper, softly. I don't know what comes over me. Maybe everybody is right after all; Taylor and her several boyfriends indeed.
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"I love you" he says, happiness and surprise evident in his tone of voice. He kisses me more.
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"Don't leave me forever" I whisper.
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He places the bowl down on the side and his arms embrace me.
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"Not possible" he says between kisses.
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"I care about you so much" I say and I'm crying again kissing him.
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He pulls away breathless.
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"You don't know how good it feels to hear you say that" he sighs.
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“I only don’t say it because I know that everything will still be the same.” I whisper.
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His hands stroke down my back and I need to push him away. He circles my hips and lightly kisses me again.
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“I know, and I will wait forever until there’s a day where you loving me will change everything” he says.
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I squeeze him, holding onto him tight. His hands scoop me up and he lifts me onto the counter. I chuckle.
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“Let me wash up” he says softly. He strokes my thighs and kisses my lips one more time. Before he pulls himself away and washes the dish and pan.
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“Want me to carry you” he chuckles.
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“No” I laugh as I slide down, pulling my shirt down as I go to cover myself.
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I walk up the stairs first and he follows me. When we reach the top he hangs there not wanting to leave so I kiss him on his cheek. He gives me a giant Ross hug.
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“Can you say it one more time” he smiles cheekily.
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“Just so I know I didn’t imagine it” he laughs.
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I look into his eyes, holding onto his hands.
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“I love you, Ross” I say whispering.
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“I love you, Tay” he whispers in my ear. He lets me go and I walk back to my bedroom. Worrying that I’ve said to much, worrying that I’ve not said enough. Contemplating how he might leave me forever and telling myself that’s a good step for him. Worrying that I might only have a couple more weeks with him in my life.
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