***Matty's POV***
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"It's not at all possible that we can reconcile?" I'm asking her, I want to tell her everything.
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My mum got married while Taylor was in Australia with Jay. I sat with an empty seat next to me until my aunt took pity on me and sent my cousin to sit with me so I didn't look so lonely. I took Taylor's name plate which was placed neatly on the table next to mine for the after party and burnt it with my lighter outside. I sat with Kim who asked me continuously what the plan was, how I was going to get her back and when she could see her again.
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I preordered our meal for the wedding, I had ordered her favourite pasta and a chocolate brownie. Far from the caviar and champagne that other guests received. It sat there as a continuous taunt that she was absent from my life. I binned it and tried to call her in the bathroom but it went straight to voicemail. So I settled my thoughts on whiskey and tequila instead.
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During the time that mum got married Taylor got engaged to the man that I despise. I sat on the four poster king size in the hotel that I had booked for us after the wedding and scrolled through social media to see pictures of her in Sydney with Jay. A rock on her finger at the Sydney opera house. His arms cupping her waist and her beautiful smile. Looking happier than ever, together.
It's not possible that he is a different person to who he was before. It's just not possible. He goes through women, he doesn't keep them. This thing with Taylor is just in spite of me, it's my final lesson from him, not to drop the ball. Not to let any guy have a chance with your girl.
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"Matthew" she says softly looking up from her coffee cup. We're on campus I met her after dance and she agreed to talk. I must not lose my cool, I will not cry or shout, and I will not bring up our miscarriage.
She pushes her hair back and it's longer, grown out down to her ribs, I remind myself to look up at her face. I can't look into her eyes as they remind me of all of the mornings that we spent together, gazing into each others souls. Her blushed cheeks remind me of when I used to make her laugh, and her pink lips remind me of kissing her and feeling her want me back.
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I gaze into her eyes now unleashing the full power of my green eyes on her, it used to work. Something from the way she looks back at me tells me I'm going to need more than my eyes to win her back over.
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"Matthew, how have you been? What's been happening" she asks gazing back into my eyes. So frustrating, I want her to fall back in love with me. I want to take her away from here and never let her go.
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"I'm great yeah Tay." I say instead and smile looking down at my tea. I push my sleeves up and settle my eyes back on her.
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"I ugh yeah. My mum she got married. They had the wedding during the break" I say looking at her and her smile spreads across her face.
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"Amazing, how was it" she smiles and reaches her hands forward.
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Awful Taylor, just awful as you were not there.
"It was wonderful and I am very happy for her" I say instead.
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So now we're small talking. I'm small talking with the girl that I used to make love too. She sweeps her hair back and I gaze at her neck just briefly, feeling lost and unable to help myself. She clears her throat and smiles. The smile that says it's okay, not the smile that says please take me now and pleasure me until I cry out your name.
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How I've missed that smile. The look of utter devotion, the look of need and want for me. Now she looks at him in that way.
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"I'm going to come out with it" I say and she looks up surprised. No more messing with Taylor, straight to the point.
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"I got a scholarship." I blurt out.
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She looks at me with pride and happiness.
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"Yeah I got a scholarship. Because of the art that I did for my viewing. Mainly because of you actually and your canvas. The picture I made of you was apparently exceptional" I say stroking my hair back. She watches the expression and then stands and paces over to me. Instinctively I rise and take in her physical contact. She holds me. Embracing me and I could stay like this forever.
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"Wow" she says pulling back slightly her lips inches from mine.
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I stare into her eyes and beg every power that might be for this not to be the last time. I stroke her hair back away from her face and she closes her eyes. She pulls away from me and sighs. I want to pull her in closer and I notice stray tears around her eyes.
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"I'm so happy and proud" she says smiling
"You're an incredible artist and you deserve this" she smiles wipes her eyes and attempts to leave my arms.
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"Uh huh." I say and I hold her into me.
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She clears her throat nervously and then looks up into my eyes.
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"I need to tell you something. Now I would like it if you can just hear me out and then your decision is your own." I say softly touching her cheek with my fingertips. I want to kiss her. I want to make love to her again.
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She sits back down. Looks up at me expectantly and waits. Heat rises to my cheeks and I blush. She's the epitome of beauty. Waiting on my words.
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"The scholarship is in London. That means that if I go for it, I'll be moving to London for a while from September. It's a jump from being in the States. It's something I'm considering, But" I say stumbling over my words.
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"I think you will like London" she smiles and reaches for my hand. I extend my hand to her and clasp what is the softest hand I've ever felt. Touching her is just how I remembered.
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I take in her smile and the playful look in her eyes.
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"I think you would like London" I smile.
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"Libraries and coffee shops, walking through the city in autumn together. Seeing the sights. I want you Taylor" I blurt out.
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"I want you. I want to take you with me" I say and this is not coming out as I had rehearsed or as I would have liked.
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She wipes her eyes pulling her hands away from me. Sipping her coffee to steady herself and finally looking at me.
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"Matty" she says finally.
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"This is your opportunity and you need to take it. I have a dance company here, I have a degree to finish. I have..." she says and touches her ring.
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Don't say it. Please Taylor.
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"I have Jay" she says and I wince. There it is.
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I clear my throat and push my hair back.
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"I loved you." She whispers and I look up.
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"I loved you too I still do" I sigh.
"I won't give up on us" I say taking her hands in my own again.
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"I'm marrying him." She says eventually.
"Next year the date is set" she says.
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"Please I'm begging you to come to London with me" I say unleashing the full power of my eyes on her.
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"Give me a month ?" I beg and she cries.
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"Matthew" she says finally, she pulls me in closer her hands grasping onto me. I almost begin to hope until I search her eyes.
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"We didn't say goodbye to each other properly. I left you and I never came back. I'm sorry you went through grief not only for us and our relationship. But for the loss of our child" she says and another tear slips down her cheeks.
She mentioned our child. Not me, how I've longed for her to just acknowledge that she carried my child inside of her.
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"I'm sorry for what I put you through. And I mean it I loved you irrevocably. I loved our life and our little bump that I lost." She says and she's holding onto me tightly, but she's preparing to let me go.
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"Our child, that we lost. Our relationship that I ruined. I know that now, you gave me a second chance before and I still managed to fuck it up" I say stroking her fingers.
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"You give me another chance and I will never let you go again" I say.
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She pauses assessing me, evaluating the situation. Looking into my eyes, I feel hers lock onto mine and I hold her eye contact. I'm so close to just pulling her in and kissing her. I need to buy time. That's the only option here.
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"Don't tell me now" I say maintaining her eye contact.
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"Think about it. If it's a yes let me know. We have time" I say optimistically.
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"I have already made up my mind" she says and breathes steadily.
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Please don't say goodbye to me again. I look down at my cup which is now half empty.
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"Matty, I want you to take this opportunity and run with it. I know that we will remain in each others lives in some capacity. I am marrying Jay, I have committed myself to him. I'm sorry. I cannot come with you." She says and stands.
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Taylor walks over to me embraces me and wipes the tears from my eyes, the ones that I didn't realise were there. She kisses me on my lips, just quickly. A kiss I will hold onto for the rest of my life. She hugs me pulling me into her body and I embrace her. As she pulls away she glances into my eyes and shyly looks away.
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Pausing slightly as if she wants to say something but can't, she turns away from me and grabs her bag.
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I grab my things and walk out with her, more confused than I was before. I feel her finger graze my hand, I clasp onto her hand and hold it wanting her. Forever.
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"I love you, I always will" I whisper.
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My body feels her accept me, she doesn't fight what I've just said. Her hand holds onto mine before she lets go. And if I listen really carefully I'm sure that she tells me that she loves me back.
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