Matty is being discharged. The doctor came by a few hours later to go through everything. It was daunting for everybody. Especially for Kim. Who listened intently to all of what the doctor said. He will be referred to mental health services, something which has relieved me somewhat.
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Jay has gone to get some food, it’s dark out and well past dinner time. Kim is taking a call outside, Matty is in a room being checked over by doctors. Rachel left long ago. By pure accidental circumstance we’ve been left in a room together. All alone, avoiding one another like we don’t know each other. Like we weren’t locked in an embrace kissing just nights ago.
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“Taylor” he says softly. I look up over the hospital bed at Ross.
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“Yes, Ross” I say.
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“It’s not even like that” he says.
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“And it’s not even anything to do with me. I just wish you would choose someone who is just as wonderful as you are” I say honestly.
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“I’m being honest, Jesus. I’ve told you time and time again that I love you. I’m not dating her, I’m just..” he says exasperated.
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“You’re just worth so much more” I say and I cry.
I’m emotional, I blame my hormones for that.
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“I want you to be happy, so happy and in love with somebody that is nice and decent and beautiful” I say blubbering.
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“What with you?” He remarks softly.
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“That’s the only way I can have that” he says and he stands.
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“No don’t not right now” I say wiping my eyes.
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He sits again and we resume our silence. It’s deadly. Fully charged and ready to explode into an argument.
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“Look” he says and his voice wobbles. I stare at him willing myself not to cry.
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“I cannot love anybody else. But I can have meaningless relationships. I understand you’re engaged, I understand you love him. And not me. But I know that you feel something for me, somewhere inside of you. I don’t want to ever lose you, I just want you to see where I am in all of this” he says softly.
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“I understand.” I say softly.
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“You’re my best friend, and I don’t want to ever lose you either okay. I care for you. I always will” I cry.
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“Do you remember, when you lived with me briefly. After Matty” he says softly into the dark.
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“We were so close, and however brief that time was, I will always want you. I will want us to wake up together just like we did after the first time we ever had sex” he says softly.
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“What can I say to that Ross? Yes I’m a rubbish person for getting with you and then falling for Jay. I wanted you, I needed you and it was unfair and shitty of me. I’m sorry” I say looking at my hands, just knowing that moment would come back and bite me on the butt.
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“You don’t have to say anything. It was perfect. I’m not saying you’re rubbish or shitty” he half laughs.
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“You don’t need to apologise” he adds softly.
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I stand first this time, move around the bed to him. He stands too and I embrace him.
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“I’m sorry. And I do need to apologise.” I say softly. Then after staring into his eyes I pace back and put some very necessary distance between us.
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I sit back down fully intent on resuming our silence. The lights come on and I look up seeing the doctor and Matty walking back into the room.
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“All done here” Matty says resigned. Both myself and Ross stand waiting to hear what’s next.
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“He should be fine to go on home” the doctor says.
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“He is going to be with you?” The doctor says looking at me, he’s old school. Around 60 with grey hair and a warm smile.
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“No urm” I say confused.
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“Oh my apologies I assumed you were together. So sorry. What I mean is it would be advantageous for him to have somebody to talk to” he says.
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“He’s staying at mine” Ross says. Matty smiles at him gratefully. Ross is always the one to save the day.
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Just then Jay arrives with three bags of fish and chips. I smile at him, feeling the pull of him and yielding to it. I rub my tummy without realising. Feeling for bump.
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Once the doctor has left, We all take our seats and eat in comfortable silence, just the backdrop of the television in the background. Jay notices I eat all of my chips and places more on my plate, smiling.
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“So what’s the plan” Jay asks.
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“Matty’s going to stay with me for a bit” Ross says.
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“Sounds like a good idea” Jay says.
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I sit realising I’ve been with each of these men separately, and I chastise myself for such stupidity. I sigh and collect all of the rubbish. Cleaning up and starting to pack away Matty’s stuff. To which he objects but thanks me all the same.
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“I need to have a word” I say softly looking at him.
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“Of course” he says.
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I haven’t spoken with him since his attempt on his life. I haven’t had the chance too. Ross gets the hint stands and takes the bags, I kiss Jay before he helps carry the bags down to the car.
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Once the door clicks shut, it’s just me and Matthew. For the first time in a very long time, with nobody else. I sigh and sit down on the side of the bed next to him.
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“I’m sorry, Matthew. For treating you in the way that I did. I’m sorry for leaving you and making your life hell. I’m sorry for not being there for you when we lost our child. I’m sorry for kissing your best friends. I’m sorry for doing more than that. I’m so sorry” I say and I cry.
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“Shhh” he says softly.
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“No I’m sorry. I’m sorry for messaging you that. I’m sorry that this is my fault. I should have just arranged to meet up with you and talked it through with you” I say softly.
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“I need you to know that I value you, I need you in my life and even if it’s not in the way that you had hoped. I need you and I care for you. I care so much.” I say and he’s crying.
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I wipe his tears away and kiss his cheek.
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“I love you so much” he says.
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“I just didn’t see any hope” he says.
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“And that’s my fault. I’m here now” I say softly.
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He moves his face to mine and I look down at my lap. No more kissing ex boyfriends.
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“Please know how much I care for you” I say softly, standing up. I take his hands in my own and he stands with me.
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He pulls me into him and kisses me lightly on my forehead.
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“You are never the problem or to blame” he says.
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Holding his hand firmly I walk him out of the hospital into the parking lot and over to Ross and Jay.
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Kim walks over to us, she gives me a hug. To my surprise.
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“Thank you” she whispers.
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“I miss you” she says softly.
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“I miss you too” I say.
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She pulls back and I realise that she is crying.
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“Prom pictures please, I must see this dress” she says attempting to lighten the mood.
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“Right Matthew” she says turning her attention to him.
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“I love you” she hugs him. He accepts her physical contact and smiles weakly.
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“You too” he says.
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Having said goodbye to Ross and Jay she promptly heads off to her little car and she is gone. And here I am standing in a parking lot with three men who have all told me they love me today. So many I love you’s.
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“Right” I say at a feeble attempt to break the tension.
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“We should be” Jay begins.
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“Yeah let’s get going” Ross says at the same time.
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I follow Jay to the car. He opens the door for me and I climb in. Counting in my head, to relieve the compulsion of jumping straight out of the car and staying with Matty just so I know that he is okay.
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“Ready” Jay says once Ross has reversed and is waiting for us to tail him back.
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“Ready” I reply and we all make our way back home.
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