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I text Matty. Yes, I actually text him. It's bizarre and it feels mad but I need to vocalise a few things.
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Meet me? Coffee shop. I put and I click send. I stare ahead for a second wondering. I don't expect him to text me back straight away although he does.
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See you in ten he replies. I begin to make my way there. Feeling nervous, I take in a deep breath of fresh air and hold my head high. Entering the coffee shop I order him a coffee and myself some hot chocolate.
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I sit at our spot, he will know where to go. Not long after I've sat down he strides through the doorway. Scanning the crowd, spotting me his eyes soften and he heads to my table. Wearing a white crew shirt, jeans and vans he sits down opposite me.
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He makes eye contact and his green eyes are searching mine. He's curious, this has caught him off guard.
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"'Matthew" I say and he watches me.
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"You okay" he asks concerned eyes looking into mine.
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"I'm okay, I just wanted to talk because... ugh" I say frustrated with myself.
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"I just wanted to tell you" I begin and then put my head in my hands.
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He smirks.
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"I've got all day don't worry" he laughs.
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"Remember we chatted ages ago, at yours, we had a spliff and I told you every bad thing I did while we were together. I never thanked you for your forgiveness and empathy. I am so happy that I get to keep you in my life" I say and this is coming out a mess.
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He just looks at me like I'm crazy.
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"Of course Tay" he says softly.
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Deep breaths, I tell myself. Just spit it out.
"And I wanted to tell you alone, because of who we were together, and who we still are essentially that I'm getting married in a few weeks. Nobody else knows yet but you" I say and look at him.
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His eyes darken a little and he sips his coffee.
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"Is it what you want Taylor" he asks me.
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"Yes, I'm getting married, and you are invited. You and Jay were friends and I don't want to ruin anything. I would love to have you there, truly I would. But I would also totally understand if you refuse the invitation." I say softly.
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I let it hang in the air. He looks at me like I just ripped his heart out. Like I'm holding it in my hands and sticking pins into it.
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"You want to be his wife?" he asks me again, softly.
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"I love him." I say.
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"I didn't ask you that, is this what you want?" he asks and he grasps my hands across the table.
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"It's not too late. I can look after you Taylor, I love you. I know you're engaged but that's easily changed, I would give everything to have you" he says earnestly.
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"I'm pregnant and engaged" I say.
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"And I would still do anything for you." He replies releasing my hands.
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"It wasn't my intention to bring up stuff. I didn't want you to hear from everybody else. And I didn't want to send a generic invitation either. Matty you mean so much to me. I will always care for you and love you even." I say softly, reminding myself that he's not long been out of hospital.
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"How can you love me and still be with him" he asks forwardly. I blanch slightly but recover leaning to grasp his hands again. He pulls them away.
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"Me marrying him was always on the agenda though. Since he became my fiancée" I say.
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"So he just gets you; after everything. After Jen and Jane and who knows who else. He just wins." He says frustrated and I notice him pushing his hair back.
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"After everything I still had hope, but you're a different person Taylor. Somebody else." He says defeated.
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"What's that even supposed to mean" I challenge him.
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"When we were together, you would not have done me and Ross at the same time like that" he snarks and I get angry.
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"I..." I begin but he interrupts me.
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"You were mine; we were the ones having a baby remember? You wouldn't have jumped into bed with somebody else" he says flippantly.
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"Okay" I say lost for words.
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"I'm not perfect. I'm not, and I never was" I begin softly.
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"Do you even know how Ross feels about you? He talks about you all the fucking time. And you just encourage it, kissing him at the hospital. Having sex with him" he says.
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"I didn't have sex with him" I say shocked, how does he know about the hospital? The kiss(es)? I say and I make a note to talk with Ross.
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"I know how he feels about me, because he tells me all the time too. And I've told him a million times what the deal is with us." I say defensively.
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"That's irrelevant Matthew. I'm talking about us" I say.
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He laughs.
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"Irrelevant, great I'll tell him that. There is no us; I held on and you let go" he says.
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I look down into my hot chocolate fighting between tears and shouting at him.
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"I understand" I wobble and I half stand.
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"You don't have to look out for me. Or tell me what to do. You said no to me remember. I offered you everything I have and you denied it. Not the other way around." He says exasperated.
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I wipe my eyes. Collect my bag. What did I even expect? He's right. I know that deep down and that is exactly why it hurts. Clutching onto my belongings I turn and leave immediately before I cry my eyes out.
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I walk away. Holding my tears back so as not to cry in front of everybody in the coffee shop.
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I wipe my eyes and push my hair back. Feeling the cool air rush at me as I'm striding away. The coffee shop is tucked away, it's why I like it so much. You have to walk through the woods in order to get there. And now I'm descending back through them towards busier parts of campus. It is raining and I don't care. I'm just getting wet.
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"Tay" I hear a male voice say behind me. It's Matthew. He jogs to catch up with me.
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"You're right" I say turning to face him.
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"No I wasn't being fair, I'm just wound up that it's not me. You've chosen and that's all that matters" he strokes my damp hair back.
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"I just wanted to give you a heads up" I cry and he shh's me.
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"I was unfair, I'm sorry" he says.
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"I'll be there at your wedding" he smiles.
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"It would mean everything to me and Jay" I say.
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"I'm unsure who he's going to ask to be best man?" I murmur.
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"He's made all the plans, I sort of found out this morning" I say softly looking into his green eyes. It's silent around us, just the rain pattering on the soft leaves of the trees.
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"What do you mean !?" He asks shocked a wry smile on his lips.
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"He just announced that he's booked our wedding. I had mentioned that I didn't want to get married when I'm fat" I say back.
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"You're pregnant, you won't be fat !" He laughs smiling down at me.
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"Typical Jay to just take charge" he laughs.
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He holds my eye contact for a moment longer. Assessing me.
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"I'm sorry for what I said about Ross" he says finally. His fingers trace lines over my cheek and I close my eyes.
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"I was just angry and very much in the wrong" he says.
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He plants a soft kiss on my cheek, lingers and I know that he desperately wants more. More of which I cannot give him.
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"I will always love you Taylor Elena Harris" he says softly.
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"Matthew" I say softly.
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"I need you to be happy, with somebody" I say looking at him, green eyes that glow. His warm skin heating up my cool hands from the rain. Droplets of water dripping down his forehead, where the rain has picked up.
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"I don't know who she might be" I begin.
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"But there is a girl who is perfect for you" I say.
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He stares into my eyes, watching me.
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"Shes beautiful, with long brunette hair and blue eyes." He smiles hands going through my hair.
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"Skin that glows and a heart that doesn't skip a beat" he smiles looking at me.
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I slowly but surely disentangle myself from him. He smiles, and releases me. He holds onto my hands.
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"The night Jay came over when we were first dating" he says out of the blue.
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"He never did that. He was so curious about you before he had even met you. I really wanted to keep you from it all. From him. Because I knew him then. And when he saw you for the first time curled up on my sofa in just a shirt I knew that he would never give up. He never did, did he?" He laughs, scoops his now wet hair back. I smile along with him. My clothes beginning to stick to me.
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"But Taylor, and I hate to say it, he surprised me because he became a different person being with you. I had believed he would get with you and leave you like he did every single girl. But that never happened" he says.
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"I had all of these stupid ideas that I would swoop back in and we would be stronger than ever" he smiles looking at me.
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I look down at the ground self consciously. Pulling at my damp hair and combing through it with my fingers. His hand lightly grasps my chin and he dips my head up to look at him.
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"I thought that I would marry you, we would have children. Who knows, move to the English countryside" he laughs eyes locked in mine.
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"And have a little family" he says softly.
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"Matthew" I say in protest. The woods are still, the rain is oddly peaceful.
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"No because in a couple of weeks I won't be able to say any of this. This is my last bit I promise." He smiles.
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"I still love you, and should you ever wake up one day and remember what we had; I would appreciate it if you tell me. No matter where I am, or you are in the world. I will make it work like I should have after the miscarriage" he says softly, he pulls my hands up to his lips and kisses them. Somehow it's not cheesy, it's just Matthew.
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"But" I begin looking at his lips.
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"No" he says as I begin to protest and his green eyes meet my blue ones again.
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"I should have made things work. I didn't and that's on me for the rest of my life" he says.
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"Matthew you did" I say crying again his fingers catch my tears and he wipes them away.
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"You were perfect" I say.
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"Now you shut up, so that I can say my piece before I'm married in a few weeks" I laugh and he smiles at me.
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"I thought I had it all with you, that was it for me. Us and nothing else. So much so I would never have been able to visualise myself with anybody else. I wanted our little baby, and I was truly devastated when I lost him or her. There's nothing I regret more in my life than that loss. Because if that hadn't of happened who knows where we might be by now" I say and I look up at him into the green eyes that I was so used too.
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"I will always love you too Matthew James Henderson" I say softly.
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"I will always cherish what we had and what we could have had." I smile. We both pause and he just watches me.
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“But Jay, you hated him Taylor. You told me you didn’t like him, that he annoyed you so much” he protests softly.
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"Jay, was the person that he was, he aggravated me, annoyed me and I hated him for a while. Because he got right under my skin. And before I knew it, over time I scratched away the surface to find somebody that I cannot be without for the rest of my entire life. I found him. And I love him" I say softly.
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"You know I'll never get my head around you being with him, really I cannot. But like you I've always loved Jay like a brother; even when we've butted heads. Even when we've fought. Even when I feel jealous of him." He replies.
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"I knew him Taylor, before his mum suffered miscarriages. He was so idealistic, carefree even. Totally in love with the idea of being in love with a girl" he smiles and I hold onto his hands. I've never heard anyone talk about Jay before, his history in this way. And I want to know, so much. I want to collect every bit of information and treasure it.
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He holds my hand and walks with me towards the campus.
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"We were too young to have relationships. We used to talk about girls. All the time. Girls that we dreamed up and imagined to look like you. He wanted a girl just like you even back then, brown hair and blue eyes. Someone perfect" he looks at me with a slight smile.
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His eyes glisten when he sees my undivided attention listening to him.
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"Part of me wanted you to never cross paths. Because I knew" he laughs and it's stopped raining.
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"You are the epitome of all he ever wanted. We talked about girls and he would just describe you, before he had ever even seen you. When his mum started miscarrying though, He changed a lot. He still talked about girls but not in a love sense. He didn't want commitment, above all else. He wanted physical relationships." He says.
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"I didn't ever think I'd see that side to Jay again" he smiles turning to look at me.
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"The happy side, the guy that falls in love" he says.
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"Meeting you, made a difference to his whole life" he says softly and he rubs my hand in his refusing to look at me when he says it.
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"Thank you" I say to Matthew.
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"I mean it" I stop him and make him face me.
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"For everything and for being in my life, still" I say and tears drop from my eyes.
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"Always will be" he smiles.
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"To catch your happy tears" he says softly wiping my face.
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"I appreciate you telling me on my own, even if I overreacted. It means a lot" he smiles slightly blushing.
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I laugh slightly and we walk again through the trees.
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