We stayed there the whole evening. Waiting desperately in silence for something to happen. Anything.
I've been looking from the wall to the clock, the door then to Matthew's monitor on repeat. Matthews mum is still on her honeymoon. She hasn't been told yet.
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"I'm going to get us some food and bring it up" Jay announces. I should turn to look at him, I should reassure him. But I can't move. I'm looking at Matthew's monitor.
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Jay rubs my back and I lean into him slightly, gaze still on the monitor.
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"What would you like" he whispers.
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"I don't know" I mumble.
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He kisses my forehead not wanting to press me to make a decision. I squeeze his hand not wanting him to leave, he puts his arms around me and I turn to face him.
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"I'll be right back" he whispers. I kiss him on his lips.
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Walking past me he asks if anybody else wants food. Eventually he leaves with Ross.
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"Taylor" Kim says. Rach left earlier and so did Nate. It's just us three.
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"Yes" I reply softly, hoping this whole conversation isn't going to make me cry hysterically.
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"Don't beat yourself up" she smiles. And I think she is the nicest person in the world. She has every right to hail abuse at me.
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"I love him" I say softly after a brief pause.
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"I told him I didn't. Because I wanted him to move on and take this opportunity in London and not think about me. Because loving him isn't enough" I say conflicted.
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"He's told me more than you know and I understand. I love you, don't make this hard on yourself" she says.
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He told her about our baby. The miscarriage we suffered together. I cry again, sobbing. Standing up I face him. My sorrow consumes me as I imagine him struggling with that loss alone. Confiding in his sister. And I curse myself for not being there. I stroke his hair back lower my head to his and kiss him.
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"I'm sorry. I care about you please wake up" I plead through tears.
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"I'm going to call mum" Kim whispers and the hope drains from her pixie face. She stands and steps out silently. I barely notice, my eyes trained on his waiting for them to open. Just like I've seen a hundred times when he would wake up in the morning and I would see the kindness and happiness in his eyes.
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Carefully I hug him, my arms going around him.
I feel him, how cold he feels and I cry into his chest. I'm not leaving him until he wakes up. I can feel his heart beat, it's faint and I cling onto the sound of it.
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I stand there holding on, sobbing. I don't know how much time passes. Faintly in the back of my mind I wonder where Jay has gotten too. I stand there beating myself up, how I could have done this to Matty? He showed me love, so much love. Which I disregarded.
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With my head rested on his chest I listen to his heart and feel the air rise in his chest and then fall again from the ventilator. I faintly feel his body respond, just for a second and although I cannot be sure I think I feel his hands go around my waist.
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Yet when I look down the only thing I see is his blue ringed eyes, not open and not staring into mine.
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"I hope you know how much I care" I whisper.
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"I hope you know how much I loved you, how much I still do" I say softly whilst stroking his hair over and over.
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"Tay" I hear very faintly from a small voice. So quiet almost as if it didn't actually happen. But I'm sure it did.
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I move back and assess his face. Desperately searching for hope.
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"Talk to me, what did you say" I murmur in his ear. Stroking his hair back.
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I look back into his eyes waiting patiently.
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"Love you." He says and it’s clear that it’s an effort for him to even talk. His eyes remain closed.
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"I love you" I say softly.
"Now rest" I murmur and kiss his cheek.
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I sit down back in my chair, feeling the most relaxed since we arrived here. I zone in on the beeps of the machine again and make sure I don't fall asleep. Kim will be back soon and I can tell her that Matty briefly had a moment of consciousness. And even spoke to me.
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