Walking up the steps to psychology, in my pale blue skirt, trainers and leotard for dance I sigh. There's a clash, Jay has an exam for his finals. We spent an extra fifteen minutes together in the car, me wishing him luck and him kissing me. And now I'm running late too class.
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I rush down the now empty corridor and creak the lecture hall door open, I spot my seat next to Ross and head to it. Sitting down next to him quietly, I've already warned myself that this would feel different. We crossed that physical boundary last night. And we haven't spoken since. We need to speak, I plan that in my head. Instead of thinking about the heat between us. The feel of his hands grasping on my hips, his lips crushing into mine.
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"You okay" he says and I'm infuriated, not now Ross. Let's just get through this lecture.
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"Yes" I say instead.
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"You good" I say not daring to look at him.
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"Mhmm" he says softly.
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The lecture carries on as if we had never even spoken. I cross my legs over and write notes. Letting my hair fall like a veil in between us. I watch the clock every now and again waiting for it to be over.
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Ross scrawls some important points on his notepad, he doesn't stare at me and he doesn't make me uncomfortable. And somehow all I can think about is him. I continually make notes and as we finish up I look up admiring the sheer amount I've written. It's the most I have ever written down in a lecture.
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I pack my bag, still not looking at him.
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"Taylor" he says softly and it is my undoing.
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I look at him finally, anxiety etched over his features.
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"I'm sorry I didn't mean for this to ruin things" he says softly.
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"You have no reason to apologise. If anything it's a me problem. I'm sorry, not for what we did. But for making things weird" I say looking at him.
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The tension eases from his features.
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"Hot chocolate or a latte" he asks.
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"Let's go" I say smiling at him.
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I walk behind him through the halls. He pushes his blonde hair back, my eyes watch his broad shoulders work through the crowd. When we're finally out of the building we walk up to the coffee shop. I text Jay, he's still got two hours left in his exam.
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Ross holds the coffee shop door open and I walk in hoping nobody we know is here. Because I want to talk to just him.
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He orders us drinks and we take a seat upstairs on the sofas. I sit back and sip my hot chocolate first.
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"Thanks" I say to him, for the drink.
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"You never have to thank me" he laughs.
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I turn my body to face his.
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"Ross, perhaps I should have properly considered things before we did all that last night. Our circumstances I mean." I say to begin.
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"We have a lot of history, romantically speaking. And it wasn't fair of me" I begin.
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"We do, I'm not gonna sit here and pretend I don't love you. But" he says and a smile plays across his lips.
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"But I knew exactly the deal" he says softly and his hand caresses my cheek. I close my eyes, feeling his touch on my skin.
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"I loved it" I whisper before I can stop myself.
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"I loved it" he whispers.
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His fingers graze my lips, and I get all in my head. Remembering what Jay said, about being present when I'm flirting or being naughty. I softly take his hand in mine and place it down off of me.
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He smiles and sips his coffee.
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"So we're all good?" I say to him.
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"We're all good" he says looking at me.
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"Good" I say smiling slightly.
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"Where is Jay?" He says no inflection in his tone.
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"He's actually got a final exam" I clarify and he nods his head.
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We sit in comfortable silence, he crosses one leg over his knee and I tell myself to focus on anything other than last night.
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"Taylor we're all good I promise" he says after I've been silent for a while.
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"I know" I say facing him again.
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His eyes assess me.
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"Do you really love me?" I ask, for once addressing his claim. He looks at me, his hand on my thigh.
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"I have loved you from the very beginning" he says.
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I look away, at anything but him. I'm so selfish treating him like this, giving him parts of me as and when it suits me.
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"I understand though. And for a while I've thought about this; I know that you're in love with Jay. I know that you're going to marry him and have a life with him. And of course I'm jealous. That's natural, but I put aside my jealousy to keep you in my life because I love you. What we did together doesn't change anything, I just got to have a part of you. And I'm happy with that." He says and I listen to him.
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"I know you have feelings for me, but I also know that you love Jay. You wouldn't be able to fake what we did, or the kiss we shared in the hospital. I can feel how you feel about me through those things" he says and I look at him.
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Physical attraction is different to what I feel for Ross. Physical attraction is just one small part of it. I've always been physically attracted to him. But there is more to this. Something in the way he turns to me when things are rough, when he trusts me with everything, or when he continues to be there for me even though he probably shouldn't.
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"Would you prefer it if I didn't do those things" I ask quietly.
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"No" he says softly and his hands cup my chin.
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"Don't move" he says softly.
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"Just count this one as if it happened last night" he smiles and then he kisses me lightly on my lips. I almost tell him off, instead I turn to face the table blushing.
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"What bit did you enjoy the most last night" I ask him after a minute.
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"My head being here" he says and his hand hovers over the space in between my legs.
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He puts an arm around me and places his mouth near my ear.
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"I enjoyed making you go all over my mouth. I enjoyed you moaning and telling me that you liked it" he whispers.
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"What did you enjoy" he whispers hand still on my thigh.
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"I enjoyed kissing you and touching you, making you go in my hands. And I loved sucking you whilst being filled by Jay" I say softly looking at him. A wide smile goes across his lips.
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"Naughty" he whispers and his lips are right there.
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He just stares at me and I look into his eyes.
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"We should join the others" I say softly and he nods. I know he wants to kiss me, but letting him kiss me again would be wrong. So I put distance between us. We grab our things and then leave.
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