I sway on my own, missing Jays arms around me. Feeling his breath on my cheek. I look over at Rach, she's dancing with Nate and looking out warily. I turn my gaze to who she is watching and I see Ross approaching me. She's aware, of us. Since I told her that I kissed him, she's been watching the situation unfold. And just as she is about to intercept him. I smile at her. I'm grateful for her looking out for me, but all will be okay. Ross is my best friend, it is prom. We can dance. Only dance.
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"Rach is aware of what happened" I whisper to him as he embraces me.
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"I told her that I kissed you" I say softly.
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"Ah right" he says softly in my ear. My body melts and we just sway together.
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His hands hold my lower back and I rest in his chest.
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"Why did you tell her" he whispers.
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I look back at him confused.
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"I told her because she could sense there was something going on between me and Jay. I told her that we were hugging and that you needed me." I say.
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"I need you all the time" he chuckles.
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I smile at him. A slow song comes on and he pulls me closer still. I can feel his chest and his abs. Jay returns and he asks Rachel for a dance. She accepts slightly taken back, and I smile.
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Ross holds onto me as if I'm going to disappear, his hands stroking my back. I look up at him, his true blue eyes holding nothing but love.
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"You have to share me, Matty is getting awkward on his own" I whisper looking at him.
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"One more song" he says softly.
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I sigh and rest my head back down, smiling into his chest.
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"You look wonderful" he whispers.
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"Truly wonderful" he repeats.
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"Hey you don't look too bad yourself" I chuckle.
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"I'm sorry about Kat" I say softly.
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"Don't be. I had already predicted it would happen. Part of me knows that any girl I get with will sense you and the connection that I have with you" he says.
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"That's why I'm so sorry" I say looking up at him with tears prickling at my eyes.
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"No seriously that was a stupid thing for me to say." He says pushing his hair back out of the way.
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"Okay I value you more than any of that" he sighs.
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"What we have, even like this, is perfect for me" he says.
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I glance over at Rach who is growing concerned. I sigh.
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"Let's just dance" I say to him and he smiles.
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We stay in each other's arms, me rocking against his hips. He hugs me as the song is ending. Just purely holding onto me and I yield to him. When he lets me go he smiles.
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"Go on then, even though I want to hold you all night long" he whispers.
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He asks Rachel to dance next and both Jay and Matty go for me. Jay chuckles and indicates Matty can take this dance.
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"I'm just going to smoke" he whispers in my ear.
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I nod to him and kiss his lips briefly.
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Matthew is altogether different. He holds me on my waist lightly and his hands reach around to my back. We're quiet, I'm focusing on his touch. I look up into his eyes briefly and try to stop myself from blushing. He still has that intense stare, holding onto my eye contact. I look down again, rest my head on his chest. I feel him exhale.
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It's a slow song, again. Not one that I recognise, an old song. He begins softly singing along in my ear, and I relax into him. His singing voice is low, and enchanting. I've not heard it hardly ever before. I savour it.
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"Tay" he says breaking his tune.
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"Yes" I say looking at him.
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"Are you okay? I just have to know that you are happy?" He asks softly.
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"Yes I'm happy" I say to him snuggling back into his chest. I feel him inhale sharply and realise I should probably dial down the affection. Hormones.
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"Are you happy" I ask him. What a stupid question to ask somebody who just attempted to take their own life. I chastise myself for being so insensitive.
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"Right now, I'm happy with you" he says simply.
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"With you in my arms" he says gazing down at me.
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We just dance for a while longer. His hands on me keeping me close.
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"What's going on by the way" he chuckles softly.
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"Is it that noticeable" I laugh.
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"With Rachel shooting daggers at Ross anytime he comes close to you, yes it is" he laughs.
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"When you were in hospital, Ross was upset. I hugged him. And I just meant to comfort him. He told me he needed me so I kissed him." I say.
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"It's my own fault" I say.
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"Jay knows?" He looks at me intently.
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"Yes he knows." I say.
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"Well I'll be damned" he says in disbelief.
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"Sorry" he smiles.
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"It's just I've known Jay for years, and that's not something he would ever..." he begins.
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"Forgive" I say finishing his sentence. He nods thoughtfully. Talking to Matty is like having a conversation with myself, we think alike. He takes time to listen and then he responds, he's calm. He makes me calm.
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"So Rachel is just trying to avoid any more drama" I say.
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"Which is not going to happen, seen as I've already screamed at Ross' date" I laugh.
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"She deserved it." He says.
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"Seriously" he laughs looking at my quizzical expression.
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He sways with me for a while longer and eventually goes back to humming in my ear.
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"You saved his life. That's bound to leave a mark on anybody" he comments.
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"He's kept me sane, he's helped me through my difficulties and he's always stood up for me. He has saved me over and over. And I shouldn't kiss him and I shouldn't shout at his prom date and I really should not lead him on. I'm engaged and..." I say getting myself worked up.
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"He knows and he's aware of that, you told me he guessed." Matty says hushing me.
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"He did yes" I say.
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"So don't beat yourself up." He says softly and I look into his eyes. He's soft, patient and he has always helped me to talk through things.
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"I'm happy for you, I love you with everything that I have but I'm happy for you all the same" he says hands on my back.
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"Thankyou Matthew" I say.
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He holds my stare and I hold his eye contact.
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"Imagine, our child would be born by now." He says and it takes me completely off guard. He isn't being malicious. He isn't trying to make me upset, he's just reminiscing.
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"I can still see it all, you and me at prom together. Kim looking after the baby. He would have had your eyes" he smiles looking down at me.
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"We wanted that so so much" I smile and we're having a healthy conversation about our loss together.
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"Little baby" I say smiling and I run my hand subconsciously over my tummy. He watches the gesture and he smiles.
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"How far along are you" he asks softly, he pushes his brunette curls back. I miss the gesture he did it all the time when we were together.
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"Just over 6 weeks" I say watching his green eyes.
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He smiles and rubs my back a little.
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"I miss you so much" he says.
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"Like to the point of just going to sleep at night is still so difficult. And waking up, having the reason to be happy when I get up isn't there anymore" he says holding me close to his body.
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"But I'm still here for you. I've not gone." I say conscious of what just almost happened. I can't let him feel isolated.
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"I'll always be here Matty" I say softly in his ear. I stroke his face with my hands and lightly kiss him on his cheek.
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"I do love you" he whispers almost to himself.
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I wipe my eyes. His head snaps up and he smiles at Jay approaching.
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"All yours" he says to him, as he passes me back. Jay smiles at him and takes me in his arms. I am terribly lucky to have these hot gorgeous men hugging and holding me all night long.
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"You smell nice" I say snuggling close into Jays chest.
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"I went and got spray to take away the cigarette smell" he sighs.
"I've throughly washed my hands too" he says looking at me.
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"Jay you can have a cigarette and not feel guilty" I remind him.
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We stay in each other's arms. He rubs my back lightly, occasionally pushing my hair back behind my shoulder. Kissing my neck softly.
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"Mmm" I say as the music picks up again.
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"Taylor" he whispers as I sway my hips into him. Just grinding on him.
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"Are you trying to make me take you aside and do you against a wall" he says in my ear.
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"Yes" I say back and he smiles.
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