The sun rises in the morning, regardless of the events of our night. I feel for my bump straight away. After the nightmares it reassures me.
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When I sit up everybody is awake apart from Matty. I clear my throat and glance at Ross briefly. He looks directly in my eyes and I avert my gaze straight away. This is something I must explain to Jay. At the right time.
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"Any news" I ask Kim.
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"Everything is still the same" she says softly gazing at her brother.
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I stand up slowly and look at Matthew. There's more colour in his face.
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"I'll do the coffee run this morning" I announce watching Matty sleeping soundly.
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I turn to face Jay, gaze into his clear blue eyes.
"I'll go with you" he smiles.
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We grab our things and head out with everybody's order.
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Walking through the halls of the wards, everything feels alien. Like we walked in here together and now lots has happened and I just want to get back on track. To where we were. A recently engaged couple in their new home.
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I have to tell him this morning what I allowed to happen last night. And hope that he understands, or that he shouts at me and calls me a horrible monster.
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He holds my hand as we walk to the coffee shop. He orders just for us. And I take that as my queue to hash this out.
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I sit us down on one of the sofa seats. I turn to him, taking in his absolute beauty and perfection. My Jay, my lover. I stroke a stray blonde hair off of his face and gaze into his eyes.
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"What's up" he says smiling apprehensively.
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"I love you, thank you for being there for me" I say and I mean it.
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"And I love you too I'd be a pretty shit fiancée if I wasn't there for you" he says softly. And now I feel shit. Like the shittiest fiancée ever kissing his best friends.
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"Ross was pretty caught up in all of this" I comment.
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"Yea he talked to me about it yesterday" he says looking into his coffee as if it holds all of the answers.
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"Me too" I say.
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He just looks at me uncomprehending.
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"He ugh talked to me in the night, last night and he ugh hugged me because he was upset" I say softly looking into his coffee now too.
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"Okay" he says softly, slightly unsure. I couldn't have ever imagined making him feel unsure, but here we are.
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"He ugh did more than hug me" I say and I look up at him. For a brief second I see that sinking feeling in his expression, the one where your heart plummets. And I cry again.
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"I'm sorry Jay, I love you and I want you and only you and everything that we have" I say desperately seeing the rejection in his eyes.
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"He was upset and I behaved like an idiot"
I say, and this isn't coming out how I need it too. I am a monster.
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"What happened" he says softly.
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"He just hugged me, I was crying and he was too. Then he kissed me whilst saying he was sorry because usually he's good at blocking me out." I say softly watching him.
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"You were upset Taylor" he replies after a pause.
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"So was he" he says.
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"How's bump?" He smiles.
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"Bump is fine" I say and I rest my head on his chest.
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He strokes my hair tentatively, thinking.
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"I know you care so much about him" he says after a pause.
"And he cares for you, I've seen that. He was devastated and so were you." He says.
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"I care for him as a friend, I'm an idiot I just felt like this was all my fault pushing Matty away and I didn't want to hurt Ross too" I say.
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"Ross has never looked so down and broken. And I'm a monster for doing this and I understand if you hate me" I say into his chest.
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"I love you" he says pulling my chin up to meet his mouth in a kiss.
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"I understand" he adds.
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"I'll never get the connection you two have. But I see why it happened. Considering what just happened" he clarifies.
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We stay like that for a while, just in each other's arms at the back of a hospital coffee shop but we could be anywhere really. Because we're together and it's just us.
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"Let's get these coffees then I'm going to pop home" he announces. I feel like clinging onto him but I restrain myself. Wipe my eyes and stand up.
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After buying everybody a coffee and breakfast Jay helps me to carry it all up to the intensive care unit. We enter Matty's room bringing the smell of muffins and bacon with us.
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"It's not stupid relax" I hear Kim say as I close the door.
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"I'm sorry I worried you that's not okay" I hear Matty's voice explaining, raspier than usual.
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I turn to face his bed with tears in my eyes.
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"Matthew" I say softly.
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He turns his face to me, an expression of utter love mixed in with the sadness of his eyes.
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"Taylor" he replies in a broken voice.
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Before I realise I've moved I'm in his arms. The coffee on the side long forgotten.
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"I'm sorry l.." I whisper in his ear
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I take a step back before I kiss another one of Jays friends.
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"Glad you're okay man" Jay says.
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"Hey do you want some non hospital food" he says handing him a muffin.
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"Thankyou" Matty smiles weakly.
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I push myself to sit down rather than hover around Matty's bed.
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"Taylor" Jay says softly and I turn to him.
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"I'm gonna go, what would you like me to bring back for you" he says.
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"I'll walk with you to the car" I smile.
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"It's okay" he says glancing at Matty. He gives me a nod as if to say catch up with him this is more important.
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"Clothes and snacks. Phone charger" he says smiling.
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"Anything else" he adds. I stand and hug him. I linger waiting for him to kiss me and he does.
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"Just you." I murmur softly.
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"I just need you" I smile before he leaves.
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