The way that Jay has started reacting to me, watching over me. Assessing any threat and potential danger to me. Has intensified since we spoke at camp about the very likely reason for my heightened emotional state.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLxe9otBAjm
"Hold back a little" he says pausing and shielding me.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFSZQ36wLD1
"Something wrong?" I ask tentatively.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ElVFKz9Ld
He indicates me to sit on a rock whilst he scopes out ahead a little. After a few minutes he returns. Pulling his top off and securing the bags again on his back. I just watch him. He smiles and comes to stand next to me.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8JXgKPTOEr
"Thought it was a mountain lion" he laughs.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqGJxXWkakx
"Most definitely a bear" he says.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOzldZW6cMI
"What the" I say shocked.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDmgtEbRWoe
"Not interested in us at all. It's gone off west" he remarks. He grabs the water out of the bag and hands me it.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqq4ZK7aHfS
"How much longer" I remark after taking a long sip of the water.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFqNv6M0bJ0
"Around 45 minutes" he says softly.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJZdOw0lEcM
He kneels in front of me and I watch his biceps bulge in front of me as he tucks his arms around himself.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZQjpRGFzBL
"You want me to carry you" he asks softly.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4qNxlrKyxi
I almost laugh thinking he's joking. How can he possibly carry me and all of this stuff. I stare into those blue eyes and smile.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9E0y7UQZ8N
"I can Taylor" he smiles back.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAI09TATSTR
"No, it's okay" I say softly.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5lsRgyZpdI
"Okay" he says and he watches me intently his eyes focusing in on me. He leans in slowly and kisses me.
Extends his hands and helps me onto my feet.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLoKRyAk7hD
We begin walking again, me just slightly behind him and I notice how his body always shields me. Protecting me from everything and anything.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBEBQafFDCw
I gaze up at the midday sun, feeling the beams hitting my skin and enjoying the warmth. Our pace remains steady and I keep up with him uphill this mountain. The possibility of pregnancy for me is wrought with emotion, I want this so much for us. However the pain of my past miscarriage has resurfaced.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7iIsFqFhuF
Without a doubt that shared experience, with Matthew, was one of the most gut wrenching moments of our entire time together. And now with the hindsight that I have been gifted through time I have realised just how much I ran from him because of that pain. The pain of loss that we both shared.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ32HnxHmRAS
Several moments flicker through my mind. Mathew's understanding and love colouring his expression that day when he held me on the bathroom floor after having just realised I had miscarried our child. His hands in mine holding onto me. His pain which he kept away from me, so that I could process the situation without dealing with his emotions too. Matthews torn face when I left him, walked out of his life.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡggUcXTm6u7
"You know I just can't imagine ever doing this with anybody else" Jay whispers. A small smile stretches across my lips.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJPg5gLcTyd
He stares back at me his smile evident across his face.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5QxNRUadRd
“Me too” I whisper and he approaches me.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgv0IoP2AZK
“Not far now” he says and his hands absentmindedly stroke my tummy. I laugh.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEM77eGJJ72
“We need to do a test before we get too carried away” I say placing my hand over his.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYFxzM8QRdY
He kisses me lightly and turns carrying on his pursuit up the mountain. I can see the glimmer in his eye. The sparkle of hope. And I’ve seen it before. The adoration of the women that bears a child.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTsL3dmXt8B
I’ve seen that glimmer be extinguished. And no matter how hard Matthew fought to hide his anguish inevitably it was there. Ever present in his eyes which no longer shone, but looked upon me with just empathy and sorrow.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmqR1M7SkPs
Step after step I think of ways to mend the pain that we put each other through. I come up blank, but it is something I must do. Without a doubt.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIJSciA3WQM
“Tay” Jay’s familiar voice echo’s back to me.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuX8PC8PDHS
“We’re at the top of a mountain” he says elated.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxFMHmcOhRi
I glance around me for the first time in what feels like decades. The first thing I see is the horizon, blue clear skies that when you stare at for long enough make you feel free and weightless.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEow1kFrecP
Next I feel Jays light touch wiping my faces of tears. I look into the blue of his eyes, matching the hue of the blue sky and smile.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVvPnitjc6z
“We made it” I whisper to him and a smile stretches across his lips.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeb8GLXCCYB
“Smiling suits you” I chuckle.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbwJYnCdFgM
“You make me smile” he chuckles back.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlOw2jHAeUU
“I love you” I say looking into those blue eyes.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzHfFtDyop6
“I love you.” He says back.
“Both of you” he smiles looking down at my tummy.
107Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2was0nyeo8
