"Hold on" I say trawling through the trees in my bikini with no shoes on, it's cold and my feet ache.
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"Jacob" I call out. And I'm sure I'm going to slap him when I reach him.
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"Wait jeez" I say.
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"You shouldn't have followed me" he says as I approach him. And that's really it, I'm going to hit him across his head.
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"Oh I'll just traipse back then and I won't bother next time" I say annoyed.
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He looks over me. Takes my hand and walks.
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"Sophia" he begins and his voice catches. His hand holds onto mine just that little bit tighter.
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I wait patiently, staring forward into the trees.
Glad of the twinkling lights which will guide us back to the cabin. I shiver and he pulls off his shirt and slips it on me. I don't think anything of it, just that I'm cold and it is warm.
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"Sophia and I were together before we danced together" he says.
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He pulls his phone out and shows me his wallpaper. I take in the image of a girl, taller than me. Nuzzled into his chest. With dark hair and green eyes. Jacob's smile is easy, carefree and I almost don't recognise him at first. His brawny arms go around her waist and I see his clef tattoo. His hands cup her belly and even though it's not obvious it's a gesture that I recognise.
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"She fell pregnant, after we had been together for five years. We lived in a cute little house, prepared for the baby" he says and he's distant.
This doesn't fit in with his bad boy image, the ladies man.
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"Before the baby was due, we danced together up until she was around 7 months pregnant. I took her to see my parents, we'd already done introductions. But I thought it would be nice to get away for the weekend; my folks live in Calgary." He explains.
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"I was driving, she laughed and said that we should take a flight. But a road trip was supposed to be safer than a plane at that gestation. I tried to swerve the car, but a Lorry hit us." He says and he looks ahead.
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"They were pronounced dead at the scene" he adds and I breathe in slowly.
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"So when I say that I don't have feelings for people, I don't. I won't." He says softly.
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"Judge me if you wish." He says and I scramble in my brain trying to work out what to say.
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I can't find words so I stop him. Pull him into me and embrace him fully. It's not a reaction I expected but he cries. Full blown cries on my shoulder.
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"When did you lose them" I ask softly and he pulls his head back to look at me.
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"Last year" he explains.
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He strokes my hair back.
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"Last summer" he says and I don't think he's told anybody this before.
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"I haven't felt" he begins and he looks away.
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I just wait patiently.
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"I haven't felt any connection with anybody since" he says.
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"And I can't. I fake it with every girl I meet. Apart from you" he says looking at me.
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"I was shocked, last night." He says.
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"I was shocked by how I felt" he says and he looks at me with a wild, stupid look in his eyes. A look that means he's about to make a huge mistake.
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"Don't kiss me" I whisper as he moves in on me. His hands cupping my jaw. His eyes watching me.
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"Please" I beg and he stares at me. Defiantly.
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"Just one" he says whispering in my ear.
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"I won't tell a soul. You won't tell anybody." He whispers.
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"We keep this between you and me" he utters.
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I pull away from him.
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"I'm so sorry for your loss" I say genuinely. Remembering his intuition when I told him about my miscarriage.
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"I'm here for you" I say.
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"Be here for me right now" he asks.
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"I am here for you" I say.
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He kisses me. And the only thing I can think is, no. I push him but he holds my arms down close to my side. He pulls me in closer and moans. I will not moan for him. Pulling his shirt back off of me.
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I push and push.
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"Taylor" he says and he moves my bikini. Pulling at the strings so that they come loose and dangle around in the dark.
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"No" I say. He’s pulling and I’m pushing but he’s strong and his hands hurt me. He yanks at me pulling me into him and I push him, one very large shove back.
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"What? you have sex with her in front of me and now I can't touch you" he says pulling away from me. I wipe my eyes and wordlessly walk away. Feeling my body aching but more importantly the fear that he is going to grab me again. He doesn’t hold me like when we dance together, he pushes me down with force.
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He grabs at me and pulls me.
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"Stop Jacob" I say.
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"Taylor just please" he says pulling at me.
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"Please" he adds and he pulls me into him grabbing at my hips but I slip. Loosing my footing and sliding down to the ground. Luckily feet first rather than face and more importantly bump first.
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"I'm sorry" he says and he pulls me up.
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I shove him, with both of my hands. Clamber up and walk defiantly back towards the cabin. I hold my bikini around me so it doesn’t fall off. I just want Jay. I’m scared and I half run but he catches up with me.
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"I won't say a damn thing. But don't touch me again" I say and I wipe my eyes.
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He whispers.
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"I'm so sorry" he says. But I'm done listening to him. I run into the lodge. Head straight for the en-suite upstairs. And lock myself in. I can't believe him, I've never felt so vulnerable in my life. I cry, again. I feel like all I do is cry, especially at the moment.
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I splash some water on my face, just as I hear a rap at the door. I cover my body with a button up shirt, I’ve already discarded the ripped bikini.
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"Taylor" I hear Jay say softly. I cannot tell him he will kill him. Literally with his bare hands, he will flip.
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I open the door, and he looks at me concerned.
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"What's wrong" he asks.
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"Honestly I'm okay just tired and hormonal" I say.
He watches me assessing.
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"Sure?" He asks and he checks over me with his eyes.
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His eyes focus on my arm, I look down feeling hot and sick at the same time. There's scratches and marks on my forearm from where he grabbed me and I fell. I cannot tell Jay, absolutely cannot. He will honestly punch him senseless.
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"I fell over." I say and he grows more concerned.
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"Are you okay" he says arms around me instantly. I sob.
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"What's wrong" he asks holding onto me, confused tone to his voice. He strokes my back.
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"Jay I want to go to bed, and be with you" I say and I hold onto him desperately. He picks me up and he carries me to the bed. He smiles as he sets me down.
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"Don't go" I say as he stands up.
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"I'm coming back don't you worry" he smiles, staring at me for just a second longer.
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"Sure you're okay?" He asks.
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"I love you" I say and I hold onto his hands. He lightly squeezes mine.
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"I love you" he smiles.
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Jay heads for the door and I feel like screaming; don't leave me. Don't leave me somewhere that he might find me, and hold me down. I can feel his grip on my arms, such a contrast to how he holds me when we dance.
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What's worse, is that Sophia was the spit of me. I go over the image again in my head. Her dark long hair, the only difference was her green eyes. I keep replaying the way he broke down when he cried. There's no doubt in my head that she meant the world to him. Truly I cannot imagine a life where Jay isn't in it with me, and so I forgive Jacob for his lapse of judgement.
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But his hold on me, the panic I felt. Him pulling at my bikini. I discarded it on the floor in the en-suite it's ripped. I hide under the covers wishing I wasn't myself anymore.
ns 18.68.41.179da2
