As we're pulling up to the lake house I concentrate on the blue hues of the lake, how the deepest blues are in the centre at the deepest parts of the lake. The paler shades of turquoise that fade into an inky dark navy. I press the button for the window to wind down and breathe in the air. Deep breaths of the summer air that make me feel calm. Anything to take my mind out of the place where I am trapped. Where I can smell his cheap cologne forcing his way into my nose and feel his unfamiliar lips invade my mouth. Where he is attacking me, I don't even know his name and yet I hate him more than I have hated anybody in my life.
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Just five more minutes and we will be parking in the place where I was attacked. A few more breaths of air and I will be calm. I will be steady and able to be in that place without falling apart. As we approach the drive I suddenly feel like this is all too soon. I grasp for the door handle, I tug at my seat belt. One last breath, and I find I cannot catch it. I cannot quite get the air that I need to be calm. I'm gasping. Needing the air to steady me but it won't work. I wipe at my eyes which are full of tears.
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My mind is in the place where he has me against my will. His hands holding onto me, I feel them now around my waist and I hit out. I make contact with my hands hitting into somebodies arms, which no longer makes sense to me as I know I'm in the car with Jay. I look up and see blue eyes looking at me concerned. Worried beyond belief.
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"I'm sorry" I mutter.
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"Don't be sorry" he says, his expression a mix of anger and sadness.
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"I can do this" I say to him to clarify.
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He doesn't ask me anymore questions and I thank him mentally for not giving me the option by asking me whether I am sure.
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He drives in calmly. And I stare ahead out of the windshield. I close the window abruptly, and squeeze my eyes shut. By the time I've counted in my head to thirty I realise the engine is off and that Jay is waiting patiently beside me. I open my eyes and realise he's parked on the other side of the garage to where I was... where it happened.
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I look over to him and gaze into his eyes. He smiles warmly.
Deciding that humour is his best option of getting me out of the car without being hit again he chuckles lightly.
"I can blindfold you, if I must" he smiles.
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"Well done, I'm proud of you" he whispers in my ear. And I close my eyes feeling his contact and his familiarity. I inhale deeply, his scent. The wonderful feel of his closeness and I smile weakly. He grounds me.
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Jay undoes my belt for me and kisses my lips.
"I'm sorry for hitting at you" I say softly looking at him.
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"You can hit me whenever you like" he says smiling.
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I get out of the car slowly refusing to look at the spot where I hid, from my attacker. The spot where he found me and took away a part of me that was innocent and that saw light in everybody. I resolutely walk past that spot and head for the door to our home. Feeling Jay behind me, his hands close to my back supporting me. I walk up the steps that I had previously sprinted up the other night in hope of escape.
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Ten steps and I am at the kitchen door. I open the door and step into our kitchen, heading straight for the kettle. I’ve decided it’s important to keep things as normal as possible. If for a second I allow myself to sit and think about what happened, I fear I will sit forever unable to move.
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“Taylor” he whispers in my ear his arms wrapping around my waist.
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“Coffee or tea” I say softly taking in his close contact and smiling.
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“Coffee, please” he says kissing me. I turn to face him and I’m in his arms. I breathe out a sigh of relief and smile at him.
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“Coffee it is” I say.
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He smiles irresistibly and heads upstairs to hang up my dress and his suit. And that’s when it hits me all over again. I’m watching the kettle boil, the water swirling around. The noise of it and the steam shooting out of the top of the spout. And I realise that we were held at gunpoint in this kitchen yesterday.
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The fear strikes me quickly and I can’t turn around because I think that he’s here again. With his gun. Here to hurt us. My legs sink down to the floor and I crouch down by the cabinet. Holding onto the cabinet handle for life. Scared beyond belief.
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Fear that grips hold of me, so much so that I can’t catch my breath again.
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“Taylor” I hear from afar like I’m under water. Sinking, far away from the safety of my normal life.
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The kettle has long gone off, and when Jay reaches me again I grab ahold of him. Always saving me. Bringing me back to my safety.
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“Okay” he says concerned.
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“Okay” I say and we’re both sitting on the cold kitchen floor.
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He holds onto me.
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“I’m so sorry, this is all my fault.” He says softly.
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“No” I say defiantly.
“I’m just adjusting” I add.
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“It was too soon to push you into the garage and then being in the kitchen alone” he starts.
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Gently pulling me up to standing, he finishes making the coffee.
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“Coffee or tea” he asks me. I hadn’t got my cup ready.
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“Can I have some green tea” I ask.
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After making the tea we sit in the living room together, me holding onto him on the sofa. I sip my green tea feeling his fingers going through my hair.
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After some time he breaks the silence.
“Maybe we monitor this and if it doesn’t improve we get some therapy or counselling” he says and I can hear the worry in his voice. Thick with concern.
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“I think” I begin.
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“I think it’s worse because it was here, not somewhere else” I say looking ahead.
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“Not somewhere that I can detach myself from. And maybe we leave it a couple days and see how we feel about the whole situation” I say murmuring to myself.
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He nods and I feel his hands rubbing my arms.
Reassuring me and making me feel safe.
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He kisses my forehead. Retrieves his phone and dials a number. The call connects and I can’t help but listen in for clues as to what his plan is.
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After hellos and some preamble he gets down to the point.
“Yes, correct.” He says business like.
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“For at least a week but let’s make it flexible” he says.
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“Please, yes” he adds and I look up at him quizzically.
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“Yea that’s the right account” he says finishing up.
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“Please email me all the details, thanks” he says and hangs up.
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He flicks through to his emails and opens up a booking receipt. He passes me his phone.
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“So we’re going there. We can leave now or tomorrow it’s totally up to you, it’s important to me that you are happy” he says as I flick through the email.
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It’s a booking receipt for a lodge.
A lodge in the middle of nowhere.
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Pictures of cosy bedrooms with views of a lake and wilderness. Fireplaces full of logs and a steam room. The kind of place where you go to relax and repair. I cry and hug him.
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“Can we go now” I say.
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“Yes” he replies looking at me grasping my chin and kissing me softly.
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“Let’s pack and get out of here” he says softly.
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