Taylor's POV
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Jay is speeding, we've hit a speed light and got a ticket but he doesn't seem to care. He's glaring out of the windscreen, not flinching and not registering anything that is going on around him. I fear he's gone into some kind of shock.
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I count in my head again. I get to ten and I flinch thinking about him. Why would Matty do this? I need to see him, I need to make things right. How could I have been so insensitive and inconsiderate to him. I disregarded him, totally. I pushed so hard and now I've caused this.
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"Taylor we're five out from the hospital." Jay says and he's not even looking at me. Because I'm an inconsiderate monster.
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He's saying my name weird, a different inflection in the tone of his voice. And I'm being selfish thinking this is all about me when in reality he's known Matty a lot longer than me. I cry again. I've ruined everything.
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"I love you so much" Jay says and I needed to hear it. We've just parked up in the hospital lot.
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"I love you so much too" I say back and his face melts. Tears fall down his face. I wipe them with my fingertips.
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"I know this is hard for you too. I'm sorry Jay he's your friend and I'm ruining everything." I say desperately.
Staring into my eyes he kisses my lips and then pulls away slowly.
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"You are my whole life, you have ruined nothing. This is not your fault." He says holding my hands.
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"Now let's go in together, it will be fine" he says reassuring me rubbing my hands in his own.
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Walking through the hospital is rough, I clutch my tummy remembering walking through these halls right after I miscarried Matty's baby. Closing my eyes I hold onto Jays hand and let him guide me. Believing that not seeing the walls and the pink paint on them will let me forget where I am and the tragedy surrounding me.
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"Taylor" he whispers softly and I open my eyes. We're just outside the ICU.
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Without any hesitation, any doubt I walk through the ward. I must see him and make sure that he is okay. Which is silly because being admitted to the ICU definitely means that you are not okay.
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Ahead I see Ross first. Assessing him from afar, I can see just how stressed he is, beside himself. I pick up my pace to reach him quicker. It sounds bad but I just forget about everybody else, I reach him and I feel his arms go around me. I breathe into him and cry.
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"I didn't know what to do" he whispers and he is in shock.
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"It's my fault" I whisper.
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"It is not" he whispers pulls me back to face him looking at me with eyes that have seen something, something that they should not have seen.
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I turn to the bed and through all of the wires I cannot barely even see Matthew. I walk around the side of the bed to his face. Carefully avoiding all of the wires I kiss his cheek feeling the tears fall down from my eyes.
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"I'm so sorry, I love you so so much" I whisper in his ear.
"I need you" I say softly.
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I feel Jay behind me as he pulls a chair over and insists that I sit down next to the bed. I smile weakly at him and take a seat. Holding onto Matthew's hand, well his fingertips as there are too many wires for me to hold his hand.
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Jay remains standing next to me, I glance up and see everybody else full of pain and stricken by grief. Rach has taken a seat at the other side of the bed. Nate is next to her folded over in an armchair. Head in his hands.
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Ross is at the end of the bed, dividing his attention between myself, Matthew and any doctor that walks by who might have some news.
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Normally silence annoys me but right now I barely notice it. Matthew’s machine beeps and that’s about it, I zone out holding his hand and listening to those beeps. Each one telling me that he is still alive.
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Remembering all of the time we shared is painful, the first time he told me that he loved me and wanted me to be his. When he showed me the canvas he made of me which took him months, each stroke of paint deliberate and carefully constructed. The times that we argued, when I had first gotten with Jay and we screamed at each other at university. When we lost our baby, him holding me in the bathroom and taking care of me.
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“Taylor” a voice calls and I look up and follow the direction of it, tears blurring my eyes.
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I feel Kim’s arms go around me and I hold onto her tight. Matthew’s sister and I had always been close, she made me a part of her life, always making the effort to make me feel like the most special sister in law ever.
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“I’m so sorry” I whisper and she shh’s me straight away.
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She holds onto just my hands, stares into my eyes and gives me a weak smile.
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“Don’t you do that” she says.
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“This is not your fault” she adds and rubs my hands.
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I step aside as she goes to her brother. I don’t watch as she takes in the wires and his pale skin, blue rings around his eyes. Eyes still and closed.
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