Ross POV
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I'm watching Taylor, pace around the kitchen. She's cooking and I can't keep my eyes off of her. Yes, I had a moment with Olivia, it struck me as odd. Bizarre even that my head was turned by another woman. Taylor has been my muse for a while, the one I think about when I'm about to write a poem, the one I model all of my future moments on. However, I remind myself that she's married and quite clearly pregnant. I look back down at pride and prejudice, away from her and her black dress which hugs bump perfectly.
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Olivia. I don't even know her second name. Matthew doesn't do anything by the book. Had I of been dating her I would have made sure everybody knew how brilliant she was, I would boast about her to everybody. And at the very least I would have introduced her properly. He doesn't deserve half of the women that choose to stick by him.
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"Ross could you just grab the onions and the garlic" Taylor calls over her shoulder and I smile standing up and heading to the largest fridge I've ever seen in my life. Opening the door I grab the things she needs and head over to the stove. Almost forgetting myself and wrapping my hands around her. She looks up at me perplexed as I hover and I smile, lean on the side with my arms crossed over my chest.
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"Did you take the medicine" she asks me stirring the pot.
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"I'm waiting till I try this food" I say softly and she looks up at me.
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"I've been on a hospital diet, and this is practically gourmet" I laugh and she smiles.
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We haven't broached the subject of me proposing to her just before her wedding. We haven't discussed how I was thinking about her day and night, which led me to driving around all night. I look down at the marble floor. We haven't talked about the fact that she will be away a lot, in Italy.
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"So" I say like a moron and she looks up at me unassuming, a touch of concern in her expression.
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"So" she says quietly and I laugh slightly. Jay has gone to pick up antacids, Taylor was complaining about indigestion which is apparently a massive pregnancy symptom, who knew?
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"You married Jay huh" I say not knowing how to bring it all up. I had told her that she didn't need to give me a definitive answer whilst I was down on my knees in Australia. That I would know by her walking down the aisle or not. She walked it. Practically skipped it up to him.
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She looks at me shy and then back down at the pot, exhaling.
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"You had years" she says muttering.
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"I had years did I?" I say turning to face her, smirking ever so slightly.
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"The way I saw it was, we were together, and then you chose Matty. We were together again and then you chose Jay" I say softly.
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"Ross" she says softly and I know she's trying to placate me again. I fall for her, looking down into her eyes.
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"I told you I would marry him, I'm in love with him" she says softly.
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"I know but you told me you loved me, a whole lot, Taylor" I say softly, reminding her.
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She scoops up some of the sauce and holds her hand beneath it so that it doesn't spill. She blows on it and brings the spoon to my lips. I taste the sauce watching her and she waits for my verdict.
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I smile, and head into the pantry and grab some peppercorns handing them to her wordlessly and she stirs more in. We both love cooking. We have all of the same interests really; reading and literature. Baking and the theatre. My main interest right now is how she purses her lips together concentrating as she forms her thoughts waiting to respond to me.
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"I did love you, with all that I had" she whispers looking down at the pan. I head to the fridge and grab some more cream, reading her mind. She smiles when I hand it to her.
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"I know" I whisper and she adds the cream in.
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I decide that this conversation is not giving me the answers that I want and need. In all honestly I would rather be kissing her slowly whilst she stirs the pot. But I'm not Matthew. It's not the right thing to do and so I will not do it.
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"It's okay" I say and she looks up at me curiously.
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"It's not" she says softly.
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I smile at her reassuringly and stroke her hair back.
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"I understand" I say softly looking down into her soft face.
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"How's baby" I ask and she grasps her waist, I yearn to cradle her. To stroke her waist.
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"Making me feel rather full and large" she explains.
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"Not large. Pregnant. You know, I used to" I say not thinking before I speak.
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"You can go on it's okay" she smiles, frying up the first steak. And this is just how I imagined how we'd be if we were together. Cooking together, but in each other’s arms.
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"Do you remember when you were staying at mine" I say reminiscing on a time before she was with Jay.
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She blushes and I continue.
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"You climbed in my bed at night" I say. We weren't strictly together, but it was the only chance I got to show her how I really felt. She looks up at me and smirks. I made love to her through the night and in the morning.
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"I drove us to university the next day and I asked you what you wanted for the future and the only thing I could think was I'm going to get that girl pregnant." I say, and she breathes in steadily.
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"My best friend, my soul mate, my lover" I say softly and she sighs looking up at me like I'm a romantic fool.
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"We could have had it all" I say softly as she stares at me.
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She wipes her eyes, crying slightly just staring at me. I take her hand in mine and wipe her tears for her.
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"You know, that's my biggest regret in life, not keeping you with me. Not showing you how much I felt for you. Not just telling you that I saw a future for us. I could have made it work." I say softly and she sobs. She turns to the steak and flips it.
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"Or after you saved my life, the first time around, after the motorbike accident. I kept thinking the whole entire time; tell her. Make it happen" I whisper.
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She cups my face in her hands, the shock of her physical contact coming over me. And it's a wonder I don't pull her into me and cry, but there's something in her expression that makes me hesitate. A sadness, regret.
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"I was pregnant then" she says softly and I can't help it I gasp.
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"I was pregnant with Matthew's child" she sobs.
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I look at her completely astonished, she wipes her eyes and it's like the axis to my world just tilted. She never told me and nor did he.
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"Taylor" I whisper. Wondering in my head how they lost their child; did she miscarry or did she opt for abortion?
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"Matthew" I begin lost for words. She flips the second steak and turns back to me. Wiping her eyes again.
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"That's why I always say this is all my fault. I conceived his first ever child and lost it."she explains softly.
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"Jay knows, and now you. That's it" she explains.
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"I'm sorry" I tell her softly stroking her face. I’ve never had to have this conversation with any woman before. I’m lost and floundering in the dark. The agony in her eyes, compels me to comfort her.
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"I never deserved his baby. But I loved him and I loved the time we had planning our lives out. We heard the heartbeat, we thought up names. And then overnight we lost everything" she says.
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"We split because I couldn't handle the pain anymore. We split because I felt like I died with my unborn baby. The physical and emotional pain was unbearable. And even though he tried over and over to make things normal again, I couldn’t be normal around him. Jay…” she begins.
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“Jay was there continuously at that time; he didn’t know about any of it. And no his intentions weren’t always honourable. But he made me feel normal, he made me laugh again. He made me want to be myself again. Not Taylor the failure, the girl that couldn’t successfully carry Matthew’s baby. Jay brought me back to life. And I will forever, feel guilty about Matthew. I will forever regret not being there for him when he was grieving both our unborn baby and our relationship alone." She sobs.
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Matthew carried that grief alone. He didn't tell a soul. The suicide attempt now makes total sense to me, when he attempted to end his life and I found him rushing him to hospital. At the time I couldn’t fit the parts together, because I was missing a piece. This piece, the loss of a baby.
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I look back into her eyes and she assesses me. I place my arms around her, pulling her into a hug. Some situations you can't talk through. Words don't come close. She cries onto my shirt and I attempt to pull my mind together. But now it all makes sense to me, Matthew and his venom at Jay last night. Yelling that Taylor was his first, I suppose he planned his entire life with her. He considered being with her forever and then fate took that away from him, from them both.
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"Shhh" I say softly stroking her back.
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"I’m sorry" I whisper.
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“We didn’t tell anybody, and that was the worst” she cries.
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“It’s a struggle for him to even be around me, because we had everything. And then I lost it. And that’s another reason why Italy is the best and only option for Jay and I. I won’t feel like I’m shoving my family in Matthew’s face, whilst he looks on grief stricken” she explains and realisation dawns on me. Perspective hits you square in the face when you know all of the facts, when you’re in on the secrets.
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“And I can’t do that to him. I need him to have his own life, his own love and eventually his own family.” She says softly.
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I kiss her forehead, she’s my best friend. She wipes her eyes and we disentangle ourselves from one another. She plates up two steaks and begins frying another.
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“And I don’t want to lose you, or anybody in my life. But that distance, whilst I’m away, You will stop picturing me in your head every time you think of your own future.” She says softly and I shake my head. Defiantly, I’ve proposed to his woman and she thinks I will just forget her.
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“I will still love you” I whisper.
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“But you have to stop thinking about it, and with me away you will” she says to me softly.
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The door clicks and I hear Jay bustling through the foyer.
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“Got em” he calls out and she pulls her hair up. Wiping her eyes again as I clean up all of the ingredients and set down the plates.
